Meeting People..

So, as I'm sure you know if you're reading this, I live in Ohio. Ohio is an interesting little place for many reasons, one of the foremost being that it's a major population center, but still far enough from the coasts that everyone here has old-fashioned sensibilities when it comes to things like relationships and sex. I'm 26, (relatively) normal and single. Do you know what a rarity that makes me in Ohio? I'm like a woodland Gorilla. Scientists camp out in front of my apartment building in order to document my lifestyle because everyone knows I won't be along too much longer. 26 is not old.. at all. Why is everyone in Ohio (and the greater midwest) on such a scheduled life plan? Graduate high school, go to college, party for 1.8 years at college, then meet someone (anyone), settle down, and get married by 25-27 to said person. I think I just summed up 78% of the people I know.. and that's fucking crazy. Largely due to this fact, do you have any idea how hard it is to meet some/any one in Ohio? Any female over the age of 23 in Ohio you're meeting at a bar is more likely than not a.) severely damaged, b.) completely insane, or c.) a gigantic slut. I mean sure, there are exceptions to anything, but I'm pretty sure I just summed up 93% of all single post-college women that are trolling for men at bars in Ohio. That sucks. What a lame place. It's 2010, and if you're over the age of 25 in Ohio, you'd might as well be dead. What's the rush? What's the point of beginning to live at age 25-27 in a way that you will continue to live until you retire and/or die? That's the saddest thing I can possibly think of. And I know what you're thinking - hey, why not meet people somewhere other than a bar? Have any ideas? I feel like I should join a book club or something. Church ordinarily would be a good place to meet someone that hasn't been railed by a small town but let's be honest - you shackle your mind when it's bent on the cross, when ignorance reigns, life is lost as Zach D. said.

So I've got some analogies to share with you, my loyal readers (all 4 of you) to better illustrate the situation surrounding dating and meeting people in general.

First, the mountain top analogy: Simply, I equate being intimate with a female to climbing a mountain. No one wants to climb a mountain that has a handrail, steps and a paved trail leading to the top - well, maybe some people do, but they're just lazy. So in my analogy, the fewer signs of human habitation at the summit, the better. You don't want to work your ass off risking life and limb to get to the summit and find a still burning camp fire, a candy bar wrapper, a Sprite can and some abandoned tents at the top. You want it to be pristine up there.. like mother nature intended. Now I'm not saying I only want virgins, because that's a whole other bag of worms, I'm saying if there are tattoos, piercings or the little tanning bed heart things in a place that only someone who you're hooking up with would see, it indicates there's a common audience in this place - a still-burning campfire if you will. That's not pimping.. at all.

Ok, next - in my approximation, there are two methods to meet people, the action/thriller method, and the indie/drama method. The action movie is all flash and show, very little substance. These are the dance club one night hook-ups. Think about it - you go to a dance club/really loud bar, you look kind of cute, are wearing the right thing, and can kind of dance, and boom - you're in. What do any of these things have to do with anything that anyone is actually looking for in a perspective mate? It's so loud in these places that you cannot possibly carry on a conversation, even a drunken one, so you're interacting purely in drunken writhings and half-understood yelled (non)witticisms. Sounds magical. Needless to say, I am not good at attracting people via the action movie method.

The india/drama method is based on story and personality. It's not as fast-acting as the action movie and isn't as in your face about it's intentions, although they are probably and usually exactly the same. The indie/drama method is all about charms and conversation, and it tends to involve more than one night and take place in bar booths where people are playing lame shit on jukeboxes while drunkenly singing along. An indie movie tends to take more than it's run time to charm you and usually follows this schedule - initial meeting involving several hours of random-ass conversation and jokes, exchange of contact information, and then continued random ass conversation in an effort to accomplish over the span or 2+ weeks what the action movie accomplished in 3 hours. Ouch. As you can imagine, this is how I make my living. Now I understand that I'm not Channing Tatum, and my favorite foods all involve making me fatter, so I basically have to.

I need to join some sort of social circle/group. I'll let you know how that goes.