Summer Movie Guide '09: One Month Late

Ok. so this has been an idea of mine for a while, namely, doing a summer movie guide/preview, since everyone knows that the summer is when the big-budget fun movies come out. award winners come out in the winter leading up to the oscars, box-office hits come out between memorial day and labor day, with the exception of the one each that will come out on thanksgiving, christmas, and in the early spring. so here's how this is going to work. i'm going to review the movies i've already seen, and talk about why I want to see the movies that aren't out yet, in count-down style. so here goes nothing.


but first... here's a "bonus review":
rank: not anticipated, whatsoever, i've never read any dan brown and never seen the Da Vinci Code. Angels & Demons - now, i know that any of you that know me are probably shocked that i went and saw this bad boy, given my vehement opposition to dan brown and "blowjob books" of all colors, but what can i say, i'm a "go with the flow" kind of guy. this movie isn't unwatchable. it's artfully made, and the sets and locales are amazing. plus, anything with ron howard and tom hanks is going to be watchable, no matter the subject matter. also, the look into the inner workings of the vatican is pretty damn awesome. however, the plot is rather lacking. in attempting to create a "twist", the script in fact just pulls a little trick on the audience. pulling a trick on the audience is not a plot twist. i give this one a 5.4 on the IMDB scale. it's watchable, but completely forgettable. the beautiful scenery and sets around rome and the vatican go a long way to redeeming this one, but ultimately the plot is just too far-fetched and asks too much of the audience, in trying to get away with all of this shit in what is supposed to be a realistic universe.


tied for last place:
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra: this movie looks like complete, utter shit. i blame the matrix for the demise of the action movie. look at the trailer. everything is CGI slow motion nonsense. rule #1 of the action film: if an action movie can't put together a halfway decent trailer, it probably is fucking horrible. i'm still going to see it, given that i am a child of the '80's and all, but there's no possible way this one is going to be any good at all.
Land of the Lost: The show was ok... but it was ok in that it was so horribly bad and ridiculous that it was kind of fun. The effects in this one just look like shit. Have you seen that T-Rex in the trailer? It looks like complete shit. I'm pretty sure Spielberg made an unbelievable T-Rex come to life in 1995. What the hell? Isn't there more computing power in a macbook pro than there was in a supercomputer in '95? And this is coming from me, someone who loves Danny McBride. I'm sure this movie will be funny in a completely stupid way, as Will Ferrell and Danny McBride are some hilarious dudes, but they are both way way WAY too talented to be in this kind of shit. Doesn't Brendan Frasier usually star in this drivel?


Ok, so here comes the list.
11: Up. Now, ordinarily, nothing Pixar would be anywhere near this list. But, WALL-E was the surprise of 2008 and made a believer out of me, so I'll check it out. The fact that this one got rated PG is somewhat intringuing to me, and grumpy old men can be oddly endearing. I'll get on board for Pixar's version of the odd couple comedy and see where it takes us.
Release Date: May 29
No one needs to see a trailer for this one b/c it's been beaten to death on every channel imagineable.


10: Year One. This one wasn't even on the radar until the trailers came out and started making me laugh. Jack Black can be funny, but he can also be obnoxious. Michael Cera is somehow not completely annoying me yet, despite the fact that he has no character other than "Michael Cera" in his repetoire. the trailer is pretty damn funny, and i'll get on board with a good satire of ancient history. it could turn out to be a pleasant surprise, particularly since my expectations are pretty damn low.
Release Date: June 19
Trailer


9: Funny People. Not a lot of people know about this one, and I'm ranking it 9 b/c i'm hesitantly allowing myself to think it may in fact be funny. Adam Sandler has spent the last decade pigeon-holing himself into a caricature of a performer. Judd Apatow has spent the last decade turning himself into a hollywood titan who has singlehandedly re-invented the romantic comedy, sex comedy, and all comedy for that matter. what happens when they join forces? no one knows. Adam Sandler is a dying stand up who takes a younger stand-up (Seth Rogen) under his wing. All of the Apatow usuals are on board and I'm hesitantly getting more excited about this one.
Release Date: July 31
Trailer [embedding was disabled, and this was the best trailer i could find]


8: X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Now, of course, I already saw this one, and this is where it was ranked at the beginning of the summer. This movie was at once both a surprise and a disappointment, if that makes any sense whatsoever. It was a surprise because the performances out of Hugh Jackman and Liev Schrieber were significantly better than I'd anticipated, and there was a pretty cool plot underneath the scattered mess. It was a disappointment b/c the film was SO pared down that there was little exposition, a lot of the characters were simply cameos at best with little or no backstory or development, and a lot of the cooler material was given simply a montage rather than any screentime. how cool would it have been to see sabretooth and wolverine fighting their way through the last century? how cool would more of that team been? another negative is some of the special effects just look like shit. for some reason they decided to make the claws CGI for this film, and they just look ridiculous. (the bathroom scene comes to mind.) All in all though, this is a solid film, and significantly better than X "giant piece of shit" 3. 6.7. it's unfortunate because some relatively simple missteps seperate this film from approaching greatness for its genre. there's a good movie here... i'm interested to see the director's cut when it comes out on DVD.
Release Date: May 1


7. The Hangover. The director of old school. Zach Galifianakis, Ed "The Barn dog" Helms, Bradley "The Sack" Cooper, Mike Tyson, and Vegas. Where do I sign up? The trailer makes me laugh my ass off, and you all should know by now that I'm a sucker for the bromance. 3 groomsmen lose the groom after a wild bachelor party and spend the next day piecing their night together bit by bit. this seems oddly relatable to my life... i'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.

Release Date: June 5


6. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. The first Transformers was a summer 2007 smash ($320 mil.) and an extremely pleasant surprise for this longtime fan of the transformers. Shia LeBouf is simply a charming, cool bastard and I can't help but fall for his charming little tricks. (plus, he's actually a cool dude, check his playboy interview) Michael Bay can be a little over the top, but the fact remains that he's made more good (or at least fun) movies (bad boys I & II, the island, the rock, transformers I) than shitty ones (pearl harbor, armageddon), despite his reputation to the contrary. oh, and megan fox is incredibly gorgeous, especially when makeup covers her trashy ass tattoos. there has been boasting that this is going to be the biggest movie of all time. i'm pretty pumped about it. i'm well aware that it's ceiling is 7.5, but i'm strangely comfortable with that and banking on the fact that this is going to be a fucking fun time. Oh, and I bet $5 that this ends up being the highest-grossing movie of 2009 (rivaled by the entirely unanticipated newest installment of the harry potter franchise. you couldn't get me in that theater with anything less than a half naked megan fox.)
No one needs to see a trailer for this one, you'll be trailered-out by the time mid-june comes around.
Release Date: June 29


5. Inglourious Basterds. Extremely mixed reviews coming out of Cannes worry me on this one, but, given the genre and what i've read coming from Q's camp, i'm still rather pumped and confident in this one. Tarantino returns after spending the last 3 years writing and making this one. A ridiculous cast: Brad Pitt, Mike Myers, B.J. Novak in Q's WWII era actioner about a group of Jewish soldiers assembled in occupied France to wreck havok on the Nazi's. I find it hard to find situations that end in this movie being anything other than completely awesome.

Release Date: August 21


4. Bruno. Everyone knows about Borat now. On Sacha Baron Cohen's brilliant albeit short lived "Da Ali G Show" on HBO, there were three primary characters. Ali G, a wanna be English gangster, Borat, a Kazachi journalist, and Bruno, a gay Austrian fashionista. I never could determine which character was my favorite, it changed from episode to episode. think back to how funny Borat was, and prepare yourself to be blown away by some of the most ridiculous shit to ever hit the screen. I'm sure it will be uncomfortable to watch, but still funny as hell. I suggest you go out and rent/borrow the Ali G dvds to prep for this one, if it's anything like Borat, the DVDs will be just as funny b/c they're much more subtle.

Release Date: July 10


3. Terminator Salvation. I saw this one opening day, and let me say, don't buy the negative reviews. I'm pretty sure the negative reviews boil down to two things: 1.) hating on McG b/c his name is McG and Christian Bale b/c he freaked out on that director of photography and 2.) either A.) expecting something on the level of Terminator 2, or B.) expecting a complete reboot. This is not a reboot, it's a continuance of the franchise. It moves the war into the future, featuring an adult John Connor, a teenaged Kyle Reese, and various resistance fighters. Terminator 2 this film is not, but it is 10X better than T3, and a strong, strong summer film. I give it a 7.9 and say that the critics panning this one are either biased, hacks, or idiots and shouldn't be allowed to review action films anymore. Bale is strong as usual, but the real stars of this one are newcomer Sam Worthington, who plays Marcus Wright, a mysterious man who was executed in 2003 and finds himself reborn in 2018, and Anton Yelchin (who also plays Checkov in the Trek reboot), who plays the teenaged Kyle Reese, who will one day be played by Michael Biehn and father John Connor. Both Worthington and Yelchin are going to be stars. Seriously, look out for both of them. Worthington is starring in James Cameron's (yes, THAT James Cameron) "Avatar" this winter, and is about to explode. This movie is really, really fucking cool and all around solid. A worthy entrant to the series and the 2nd best film I've seen thus far in 2009.
Release Date: May 21


2. Star Trek. I come from somewhat of a Star Trek family. My dad and brother are the two biggest (only?) "Enterprise" fans in the world, and I myself am a "Next Generation" devotee. I've seen all 11 of the previous Star Trek films, and am more than familiar with the mythology and nuances of the Star Trek universe. That said, I was at once excited and worried about the creators of LOST being behind a complete overhaul of the look and feel of the Star Trek universe. When I saw the cast of unknowns (and simon pegg) i was curious, and then came the reviews. To say they were "glowing" would be an understatement. So I finally saw this badboy, and it's amazing. It's action packed, it's fun, and it completely updates everything without taking away from the spirit of Star Trek and what its all about. I'm interested to see the direction that Abrams and Co. take the newly rebooted franchise. The comparisons to Iron Man are entirely apt, particularly in that I have the same (albeit limited) criticism of both, and that's that they both are clearly intended to set up a franchise, in that the single film feels incomplete because its lacking a sequel. It's possible to set up a franchise and be a complete film (see: Batman Begins), but that, along with some minor plot holes, are literally my only complaints (along with Eric Bana being underused). Karl Urban as Bones and Zach Quinto as Spock are both brilliant. Chris Pine is going to be a star, and this is just a solid film that's a lot of fun. I didn't check my watch once. 8.8, and the best film I've seen thus far in 2009. Oh, and in case you're wondering, this is my 2nd favorite Star Trek film, after "First Contact". While this one is certainly more accessible for the casual fan, First Contact is awesome in the context of the continuity of the series, in that it sets up "Enterprise" while featuring an awesome villain. This movie is awesome, and I will definitely see it again and buy it the week it comes out on DVD.
Release Date: May 8


1. Public Enemies. Christian Bale. Johnny Depp. Michael Mann. John Dillinger. What else do you need to know? Michael Mann is THE hollywood crime master, and he's given some serious subject matter here. The always amazing Michael Mann brings the story of the FBI's war on organized crime during the depression to life, featuring famed criminals like John Dillinger, Pretty Boy Floyd, and Bonnie and Clyde. Bale plays FBI agent Melvin Pervis, the man who brought down Dillinger in a hail of gunfire outside of a Chicago theater. If this movie isn't awesome, there's a decent chance I'll cry. And no, I'm not kidding about that. I think I speak for movie fans everywhere when I say that I hope this is the return of Johnny Depp from Disney/Tim Burton purgatory.

Release Date: July 3

A.B., J.D., advertising, the timberlake/dicaprio corollary

so i graduated law school the other day... pretty insane. i am now a "man of letters", a juris doctor if you will. i feel like the world at large thinks and acts as if that's a major achievement, when i feel like all i really did was a little amount of work with a copious amount of fucking around. i mean, i completed a "top 100" movie list during my last two months if that tells you anything. now, it did require significantly more work and effort than undergrad, but honestly, my effort during undergrad was about a 2 on the "10" scale, and law school was about a 4. which is to say, double the effort of undergrad, but it wasn't as if school was devouring my life or anything of the sort. now, don't get me wrong, there were periods of time where a massive amount of effort/time was required and expended, but all in all? once you got the hang of things, it was pretty easy to coast into the last semester or so after you got the silly "top 10" expectations out of your head and realized that since you liked to do things like "watch tv", "sleep", "see/talk to your friends" you probably weren't going to be a supreme court justice or the youngest litigation partner at this or that firm, and so you could just enjoy yourself. but hey, that's neither here nor there. but the truly bizarre thing about it all is just how fast the whole thing went. my time at miami doesn't seem all that long ago and it literally seems as if christmas break was about last monday. but, as they say, c'est la vie.

what's next? ah yes, i've been watching the nba playoffs as of late [thoughts: after the 4 game dismantling of the hawks, i believe the comparisons of the 2008-09 cavs to the 1990-91 bulls seems pretty apt to me, and this may truly be the start of something ridiculous in cleveland], and some of the advertising truly blows my mind and makes me wonder if some of these companies have ANY idea who their customers are. i'm speaking, of course, about the mikes hard lemonade/smirnoff ice commercials starring men, seemingly aimed towards men, aired during programming whose audience is presumably dominated by men. what kind of "man" who is watching the nba playoffs is going to head to the grocery store or local tavern and pick up an overpriced alcoholic sprite which is more likely to make an adult male get a sugar high than a buzz? does ANYONE other than high school girls and women who are wasted after 3 drinks ever drink a mikes hard or smirnoff's ice, ever? an ideal mikes hard commercial would depict sluttily dressed 15 year olds fawning over pimple faced seniors in varsity jackets with shitty facial hair slurring their speech in someone's garage while their parents are out of town, or in someone's back seat. i feel like it's an utter waste of time and effort for mikes hard/smirnoff ice to advertise to men. you are what you are, just accept it and excel at it.

one final point, brought on by the brilliance that is "mother lover". this is the dicaprio/timberlake corollary, (perhaps also to be joined by shia lebouf) also known as the amazing charisma and talent of those two gents that enables them to overcome the myriad of reasons i should have to hate them, and in fact begin to like them, or in leo's case, to develop a legitimate mancrush. somehow, these two dudes, both of whom have been worshipped by teenaged girls (usually a fast track to my derision) have managed to overcome their "teen heartthrob" status by their talent and general awesomeness in order to appeal to me on their merits as performers. let's look at leo first. i was too young to see gilbert grape when that first came out, but i now recognize that although he went "full retard", he still was pretty damn awesome in that role. so i'm not talking about that. i'm talking about "romeo + juliet", "titanic", "the beach" leo. the "magazine pages taped up in middle/high school girls' lockers" leo. i hated that fucking guy. literally, he was top 5 on the "people i would hit in the mouth with a 6 iron" list. then? gangs of new york. hm, that got me thinking... he wasn't great, but he wasn't bad either. catch me if you can. hm. the aviator. very hm. the departed & blood diamond? holy shit. i think i love you. + banging supermodels? i like what you're all about leo. now JT. the kid with the douchey haircut from n'sync. you could have drizzled my hate for that shitbird over pancakes in '98 or so. his evolution is even more bizarre than leo's.. for he's not marty scorsese's favorite son. he's just a cool, talented dude. who bangs people i'd like to bang. there's something to be said for people overcoming prejudice by the power of their own achievement and talent. kudos, gents. i'd be "turtle" for either one of you.