oh my god, jon and kate broke up! wait... who gives a shit, and why? people get divorced every fucking day, for a lot less legitimate reasons than "have you seen my show? my wife treats me like a damn idiot in front of millions of people, completely emasculating me for a prime time audience, and now that i'm famous i have women throwing themselves at me, at least some of whom probably make me feel like a man and not a damn lap dog", which seems to be the basic reason behind the "we're only famous because we used warlock science to have an unnatural litter of children in defiance of the will of both god and nature" divorce. let's not even mention the fact that most of these people aren't using their unnatural litter of children as a meal ticket. using your children to get rich. hm, that seems like something we should all be getting behind. - which brings me to my next two points. first, when are we as a society going to do something about this ridiculous warlock fertility science being used to "help" people who can't have kids. are we really thinking long and hard about this? is that a good purpose for science? if you can't have kids, maybe there's a reason for that. let me tell you one thing, i guaran-fucking-tee that cavemen didn't have sextuplets or whatever the hell a litter of children is called. why? because it's NOT NATURAL. (kind of like veganism and a host of other "lifestyles" that are en vogue today... but that's a post for another day) fertility science should be used to help you have ONE child, max. not implant 80000 fucking embryos because we're all impatient, spoiled and ridiculous and see what happens when 15 of those bastards take. it's called childbirth, not childrenbirth. people aren't spaniels.
but honestly, that's just par for the course on the freakshow formerly known as "TLC". TLC stands for "the learning channel"... what are we learning exactly? the same shit people used to learn when they paid a nickel to see a bearded woman, strongman, contortionist and a dwarf? let's not pretend these "shows" ("the mermaid girl", "the one ton man", "little person ______", "the tree man", et al) are for any reason than to appeal to our bizarre curiosity of the different and the grotesque. it's pathetic and embarrassing really. does anyone really think these kids are going to grow up normal? name one kid who grew up on camera and is normal? michael jackson? danny bonaduce? todd bridges? edward furlong? drew barrymore? i mean, let's be honest... youth and celebrity don't exactly tend to create healthy, well-rounded and productive members of society. it's sad really.
ok, onto a more fun and less bitchy topic. james cameron. i know, i know, i already blew him all over my top 100 list, but have you ever really looked at his career and the impact he had on science fiction and action films? the guy was/is a damn god, and its a travesty that he hasn't released a feature film since titanic... but honestly, once you've made the biggest film ever, you can't exactly go back to action, so i can't say i blame him. lets take a look at the period from 1984-1997, one of the more remarkable runs by any filmmaker ever, where he completely created several genres and made some of the more memorable films of the last 25 years. first, Terminator, in 1984. what more can i say? this film spawned one of the most memorable franchises in movie history and gave one of hollywood's biggest stars his most iconic role. next, Aliens in 1987. Aliens is truly, truly ridiculously badass and awesome. Watch Aliens sometime and you'll realize how much of sci-fi is directly lifted from it, and the technology, terminology and ideas involved. (the plot and design of "Halo" is directly and unashamedly lifted DIRECTLY from Aliens, with no regard whatsoever for whether or not anyone knows it). it truly changed sci-fi and fictional military stories, forever. next, the Abyss, in 1989. the Abyss is more of a miss than the rest of cameron's films from this period, but its remarkable for its scope, its ambition and what its trying to say, and after watching "the abyss", you definitely see why Cameron got so into the Titanic and exploring the deep with ballard. the abyss is about aliens who live not in space, but miles beneath the earth's oceans - and you really feel the desolation and danger of the deep. a beautiful film. next comes terminator 2, 1992. probably the greatest action movie of all time... a true classic. what more can i say about it? next is true lies, 1994, and one of the more fun action movies of all time. i love how true lies is all tongue in cheek, and still is 10X better than basically every action movie of the same type ever made. completely awesome. then in 1997 comes Titanic. the biggest movie of all time. what more needs to be said? so basically what i'm saying is that it should be a damn law that cameron needs to make a film at least every 3 years. he's only 55, and hasn't made a film since 1997. that's ridiculous. on that note.. avatar is going to blow everyone away, and i mean it.
ok. now vampires, vampire sex, vampire lusting, vampire ridiculousness, etc. why the big fucking fuss and romanticism about vampires? why do people double click their mouses to twilight and true blood? why not blade and underworld? oh my god, he's so dreamy, he kills people and is super-strong. what the fuck? so i started watching true blood b/c someone told me it was good (it isn't. at all) and just kept watching it, b/c i want to know what happens damn it, and i'm just generally weirded out by the whole thing. true blood is like cinemax with blood. it's fucking creepy. in the first episode of the season, "sookie" (anna paquin) and "bill" (creepy pale guy) are hardcore banging, and anna paquin's character gives bill her neck, he bites it, and then kisses her while his mouth is full of her blood. what the fuck? why would anyone do that? particularly someone who claims to be a "good girl" like anna paquin's character. it makes no sense, whatsoever, either in the context of the show, the context of real life, or the context of someone who has a brain. i mean, i understand, people like some kinky shit, but kissing a guy who just fed on your jugular? hm. that seems odd, to say the least. i get that it's taboo and that's part of the vampire appeal, but i don't see a show about people giving out golden showers getting rave reviews. someone explain the vampire shit to me, please. seriously, i'm begging you. anyway, i give "true blood" two thumbs down, for being hokey, stupid, inane, full of bad acting, horrible accents, nigh porn, creepy gore connected with sex (um, that's serial killer shit right there) and attempting to be pertinent by having outright social commentary, but failing miserably by slapping you in the face with it instead of letting its stories speak for itself. oh, not to mention - what the fuck is the big deal about "synthetic blood" enabling vampires to "mainstream"? couldn't they just strike up a bargain with the red cross? if they can drink fake blood out of a bottle they can drink real blood out of a bag. i just can't wrap my mind around this shit. don't think too hard about true blood, it will make your mind hurt. so let me get this straight, crosses, holy water and garlic don't hurt vampires, but silver, daylight and wooden stakes do? you don't get to pick and choose. if you hitch your wagon to a legend, you take it wholesale, not part and parcel. fuck you true blood, give me my 14 hours back, and stop creeping me out. the only character i like is Lafayette... bring back the wire and cancel this shitfest HBO.
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