Overrated/Underrated.

Welcome to the new-look blog. I decided to spruce it up a bit, we'll see if the changes are permanent or not. Anyway, it's time to play one of my favorite games, the one where I take two similar items and declare one as overrated and one as underrated. Here goes nothing...


•Overrated:
Wedding Crashers
Now don't get me wrong, Wedding Crashers is funny enough.. it's just sort of.. meh. After the raucous first act, the movie descends into more traditional romantic comedy territory, with only ridiculous physical comedy from supporting actors saving it from "Failure to Launch" territory. Also, when's someone going to call out Vince Vaughn for playing the exact same character in every movie? How many times can someone play "smooth talking slimeball" and get praised as "hilarious"? Are there any differences whatsoever between his Old School character and Wedding Crashers character? None that I can discern. Don't get me wrong, I love Swingers and Dodgeball is underrated, but his shtick can get a little tired. We get it Vince, you don't really have any morals and you can talk like a slick fucker. Enough already. Unless you're telling Mikey how money he is and making Gretsky's head bleed for superfan 99 over there, give it a rest.



•Underrated:
PCU
Everyone forgets about this movie, but in my mind, it's an all-time college classic. The premise is little more than an unabashed Animal House rip-off, but this little movie that could rises above and becomes so much more than the sum of its parts. Jeremy Piven is great as the poor man's Vince Vaughn, and while this one is a little dated (the 90's are good for that), it's a better portrayal of college life than pretty much any other college comedy. *cough* Van Wilder *cough*. come for Piven and David Spade, stay for Gutter. (is a tool)







•Overrated:
Bud Light.
This could possibly be my most controversial decision on this bad boy, but if you ask me, Bud Light is over-priced and just the smallest step up from significantly cheaper beer choices. And really, to be fair, I'm not calling out Bud Light in and of itself, I'm calling out all "mid-level" Light beers, whether Coors Light, Miller Lite or Bud Light. They're all identically priced and are more or less interchangeable. I'm just saying that if you put Natty and Bud Light in cups, and no one knows which is which, almost no one is going to be able to discern the difference. So all I'm saying is that what's the point of paying $18.99 for a case of bud light when you can get a 30 of natty for 2/3rds the price? If you're worried about being stigmatized by your guests, grow a pair and stand up to the man.



•Underrated:
Natural Light.
You could probably see this one coming, but honestly, is there more bang for your buck in the beer business? As discussed above, Natty is basically "store brand" Bud Light. Same ingredients, same taste, same effect. Why does one drink light beer? So that you can drink a lot of it and not be full, correct? Well, Natty is running about 33% cheaper than Bud Light, and like I said, literally no one can pass the blind taste test. Natty aversion is all psychological. Honestly, why pay 1/3rd more for something that tastes identical? If you're going to pay more for beer, get something good, Smithwick's or Sam Adams or something that you're going to enjoy. Natty has treated me well over the years, and will continue to do so. Kudos, Anheiser Busch, for having the balls to put out a product that is significantly cheaper and yet tastes virtually identical to your flagship Light beer. Unlike say Keystone Light, Natty doesn't take a step back to any of the plethora of light beers.




• Overrated:
The Boondock Saints.
Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy The Boondock Saints, I do, however, recognize that the movie is way overrated by a large chunk of the 18-30 population. This movie wouldn't be overrated at all if it wasn't for people's opinions of it. Is it a good time? Absolutely, there aren't a whole lot of more drunkenly watchable movies I can think of. However, it should have no place on anyone's favorite movie list. It's like a homeless man's mash-up of Taxi Driver and Tarantino. Anyone who really really likes the Boondock Saints just hasn't gotten into QT or Guy Ritchie yet. This is a fun movie with some good quotes and Willem DaFoe is great, but its purely derivative, and the whole moral debate the movie is seeming to attempt to invoke just seems contrived. Overrated doesn't mean "bad", it means that opinions of this particular work are far inflated, particularly among members of my generation. If you find yourself loving The Boondock Saints, do yourself a favor and watch Pulp Fiction and Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels in quick succession and begin your edumakation. Once you find your way to Scorsese, then we'll talk.

Oh - and overrated doesn't mean I'm not pumped for the sequel, because I certainly am - check the trailer:

More The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day Info

• Underrated:
Equilibrium.
There's only so much one man can do to spread the gospel of the most tragically unknown and under-appreciated movie of his generation. The review on the cover of the DVD says "Forget the Matrix, this movie will blow you away", and I can earnestly say that quote is not hyperbole. Take 1984, mix it with the Matrix and a Brave New World, and you get one of the most badass and awesome films of the last 20 years. It's a travesty that this film was released overseas and made it's budget back, so Miramax decided not to release it domestically in theaters. Remember how I was saying that Boondock Saints tries to have something to say but it falls flat? This film has something to say, and says it loud. Christian Bale is amazing, and its a shame that domestic audiences were deprived of this film. Please, whether you have to join netflix or just buy the DVD at Best Buy, see Equilibrium. You won't regret it.



• Overrated:
The Office.
While I (seemingly along with every other person walking god's green earth) enjoy the Office, I recognize that the adoration thrown at its feet is far in excess of the show's actual merit. The Office is (well, mostly, was) a solid show with a great cast and a big heart, but as time has gone on, it's become more and more ridiculous and absurd while losing a lot of the heart that made it what it was. Most people blame that on the show departing from Ricky Gervais and the original British office outline. I'd say that's probably accurate, because the show is now so ridiculous that it is no longer believable, where what made it such a big hit to start with was the fact that this world inhabited by all of these likable characters was so recognizable to all of us. Michael Scott is just too much. I don't care how occiffied the institution may be, no one would be allowed to pull 1/9th of the shit he pulls and still have a job. Where the show was once so authentic and still funny, it now is indistinguishable from a ridiculous summer comedy. It's a shame really. Don't get me wrong, every office episode will make me last at least once, and I love the Nard-dog, but B.J. Novak and co. would be better suited to scale it back, instead of trying to keep up with 30 Rock. When you set your show in a realistic universe, you put constraints on what you can do. That being said, the show needs to reel in Michael and Dwight and have everyone else behave themselves. Just some advice.


• Underrated:
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
All of those rules that I was just talking about that apply when you set your show in a realistic world? Yeah, you can throw those out of the window. Always Sunny has never pretended to be set in a realistic world. The world of Always Sunny allows for debauchery and ass-clownery on an epic scale, and I love every minute of it. Basically Seinfeld for 20-somethings who enjoy the booze, Always Sunny features several of the most morally reprehensible individuals on the planet concocting hair-brained schemes, while sitting around and casually drinking for hours on end. Airing the show on FX allows the Always Sunny people to get away with basically anything they want, from creating musicals about nighttime rapes, to exploiting a baby found in a dumpster, to banging each others' moms. A rip-roaring good time, with no shortage of laughs.



• Overrated:
The Joker.
I hear a lot of "greatest villain ever" talk, and come on. You're almost disrespecting the dead by throwing around that kind of ridiculousness. Was Ledger great, perfect even? Sure. But "greatest villain ever"? That doesn't even make sense. TDK has so many plot holes its not even funny. How does the Joker run such an organized ship? How does he know where everyone in Gotham is at every moment? I buy him as a madman and force of nature... I do not, however, buy him as a mastermind. Cunning? Absolutely. I just never for a moment believe that the Joker is capable of the kind of schemes he pulls off in the film. How does he rig the ferries? How does he rig the hospital? How does he know EXACTLY where the SWAT Van is going to go, and thus the helicopter? This sort of thing is just never explained, and it kind of takes away from the strength of the character, who is awesome every time he's on screen.


• Underrated:
Bill "the Butcher" Cutting.
Nothing against Mr. Ledger, but here is a true master. Gangs of New York is pretty under-appreciated across the board, and I'd say that is likely due to the fact that Americans are in general un-appreciative of un-romanticized history. This is the way we were. This is perhaps Daniel Day Lewis' greatest role. Nuanced, layered, and amazing. The Butcher is much more ambiguous than many movie villains, but one should never doubt the murderous rage that lays beneath his charming outer demeanor. He manages to be, at once, father figure and arch-nemesis to DiCaprio's young Amsterdam Vallon, and the minor touches of brilliance (i.e., his semi-illiteracy) only flesh out a stellar character. The Butcher rules the Five-Points with an Iron Fist, with a direct line to the city's political power de jour. A classic, true to life villain who rests in shades of gray, it truly is a travesty that DDL received no oscar for this, perhaps his finest performance. Top Butcher quotes: "you are neither cold nor hot, and since you are lukewarm, i shall spew you from my mouth. and as for you, mr. tammany fucking hall, you come down to the points again, you'll be dispatched by mine own hand." - "Now here's the thing, I don't give a tuppeny fuck about your moral conundrum, you meat-headed shit sack, that's pretty much the thing." - "i want you to see this. notch 45. it's you, you irish bug bastard. ... why don't you burn 'im? see if his ashes turn green."



• Overrated:
Johnny Depp.
Not that Johnny Depp isn't an incredible actor, because he really, truly is. Donnie Brasco is one of the great performances from a young(er) actor of our time. The problem is that Mr. Depp is too into being Tim Burton's double-sided dildo partner and acting like a dipshit in over-priced Disney movies to take serious, grown up roles. For every Ed Wood, there's a Sweeney Todd, for every Public Enemies, a "Pirates" movie. It really is one of the great crimes committed upon the movie going public. Mr. Depp should be competing with Leo for grown-up roles, not wearing ridiculous makeup and prancing about saying "savvy". Personally, I think he should change his name to "John", stop trying to get on teen-aged girls' walls and go out and show some interest in some actual roles. Get some Oscar noms. It's been a while since Edward Scissorhands and Gilbert Grape John.


• Underrated:
Russell Crowe.
Quick, who's younger? Depp or Crowe? If you said Depp, you'd be... WRONG! If there's one movie star in Hollywood whose brilliance is completely under-appreciated (other than Gary Oldman), it's Russell Crowe. The Insider, Gladiator, A Beautiful Mind, Master and Commander, Cinderella Man. What do those films have in common other than starring Russell Crowe? Oh, they all came out from '99-'05. What other actor working today has that kind of run? Sure, he can be a prickly asshole. Who cares? What does that have to do with his skill as a thespian? The world acts as if "American Gangster" and "3:10 to Yuma" didn't happen, and like he wasn't the best actor on screen in both of them. It's a little troubling that my boy is completely under-appreciated by the public. If you haven't yet seen "Body of Lies", go check it. And if you haven't seen "State of Play", then you're me, and you need to get your shit together. Anyway, Russ Crowe, brilliant. Pumped to see the new Robin Hood.

Why I hate Ohio State...

So today is D-Day plus 1. September 13, 2009. September 11th is a day that will live in infamy for all Americans, September 12 is now a date that should live in infamy for all Ohioans. But first, let's talk about Ohio State football for a while. I never really noticed until I started meeting people from assorted (non-Ohio) locales, but people from less genuine and authentic places than Ohio often have a problem with the hoopla and excitement surrounding Ohio State football. Ohio is not a place with a transient population, it is not really a destination in and of itself. My family, on both sides, moved directly from the old country(ies) to Ohio, where it remains. This type of situation gives rise to feelings typically known as "pride" and "loyalty". People from locales on the coast and the new south often have difficulty understanding this concept. In addition, Ohio is one of the original homes of football. (Professional football was born in North-East Ohio, and Ohio is home to many of the most storied high-school programs in the nation). Players from Ohio, while not as hyped as those from say California or Florida or Texas, match up pretty favorably across the board. Check It
When one considers this storied football tradition and the fact that Ohio is far and away the largest and most football-crazy state with only one major program (until the past several seasons, UC has been a joke) - Florida has FSU, UF, Miami, Texas has Texas & A&M, Georgia has UGA & GT, California has USC, UCLA, Cal, Stanford, you'll see the root of tOSU madness. Where fan-dom in most states is determinate on where you went to school or your parents went to school, in Ohio, its determinate on the fact that you're from Ohio. You root for Ohio State because you're born and raised in Ohio, kind of like how you root for Michael Phelps and the Dream Team instead of Cuba and China in the Olympics. When these factors: football-mad, large population base, midwestern values, are combined with historical ineptitude among Ohio's professional sports franchises (with the exception of the Reds, who have been bad for 19 years now, no one has won a title since 1964), what you get is a brew that results in a rabid fanbase.
Tragically, the Ohio State Buckeyes have become the pre-2004 Boston Red Sox of the college sports scene. Not in duration of ineptitude, obviously, but just in the comedy of errors and cursed-esque shit that's been going down. If you ask me, it goes back to Texas, 2005. The Vince Young game. The same Vince Young team that went on to beat "the Team of the Century" in "the game of the century". The Ryan Hamby drop game. The Troy Smith/Justin Zwick game. tOSU just did stupid shit up and down the field in a game in which they outplayed a higher-ranked opponent en route to a loss. obviously, after that game, they beat an EXTREMELY overrated Notre Dame team in the 2006 fiesta bowl and a texas team on the road in 2006 (with a freshman QB), but since then, it's been all bad. The Florida game, obviously, where 21st century football exposed 1990s football as outdated and obsolete. The LSU game, where OSU blew a 14-0 lead, and had a dropped touchdown pass that would have put them up 24-14, which was immediately followed by a blocked field goal, and needless to say, resulted in a loss of all momentum. then, comes USC '08, Texas '08, and USC '09. USC '08 was a legitimate ass-beating. OSU was without its best player, and was overmatched and undermanned against a superior veteran-laden USC team. However, against Texas and USC yesterday, Ohio State was clearly the better team, and outplayed their opponent for 90% of the game, only to blow it in almost legendary fashion. These things only happen to teams without confidence, who are convinced that they will not win, because no one steps up and makes a play. This negative attitude permeates throughout the locker room, from the players to the coaches, and requires a serious exorcism. Ohio State needs to play loose, without regard for consequence or reputation. Clear Eyes, Full Hearts... Can't Lose. It's no fun to root for a team that's playing tense and who you're convinced is going to blow it. The '04 Red Sox broke their funk by putting a legendary ass beating on the Yankees at home. That is what needs to happen for Ohio State.
Dear Jim Tressel, please allow your roster full of future draft picks to break their funk by letting the dogs off the leash. Please stop playing it safe and take some goddamn chances. Watch game tape of Urban Meyer coached teams for reference. Thank You. Or you could just hire an offensive co-ordinator. Honestly, which big-time coach calls his own plays in 2009? What is this? 1970? To clarify Jim, I don't want you to be fired, I just want you to recognize that you don't know everything about football and could use some help because your offensive ideas are a little... behind the times? Last Night's loss was unacceptable, and the blame must go solely on your shoulders. You cannot allow your star player to be so shook by the national spotlight that he shits the bed in what should have been his coming out party. As the offensive play-caller, it is your responsibility to open up the playbook and give him opportunities to shine. Where were the run-pass option plays? Everything all night was pre-determined and Pryor was clearly so afraid to make a mistake that he chose more often than not, to do nothing at all. Please, take your hand off the throat of your football program and allow for it to breathe a little on its own. Sometimes less is more, particularly if you are clearly overmatched in the world of football, 2009. Also, I wanted to tell you that I've been let down so often these past 4 years that I'm going to temper my enthusiasm and watch as a more casual fan until you get your shit together.
Thank You Again, AB

The Top 5 of 2009 (That I've seen)

First, as an aside - why in the hell are The Roots on Jimmy Fallon every night? They're way too talented to be associating with his goofy, unprofessional ass. If Jimmy Fallon was one of my friends (which would be impossible, since he's a little dipshit), he wouldn't even be considered a funny one.

Now that August is almost over and a solid chunk of the year's films are behind us, I'm going to rate what I believe to be the year's best releases thus far. One quick disclaimer.. I have yet to see or never saw "Up", "500 Days of Summer" (due to a medium-sized obsession with one zooey deschanel (the whole singing thing is uber hot), i would see the shit out of if i had a female to see it with.. so if you're female and in cincinnati and not into impish hipsters, hit me up. it's not exactly the type of movie you go see alone or with a couple of guys) or "Moon", all of which are supposed to be outstanding. At any rate, here is the 2009 top 5 as I see it, that is, only including movies that I have in fact seen. Here goes nothing.


5. Inglourious Basterds - 88% on RT, My Rating: 8

Few filmmakers in Hollywood are as controversial as Quentin Tarantino. Among my circle of movie-loving friends, opinions run the gamut from "hack" to "brilliant". While I'm more apt to fall into the latter category than many, I don't give him the credit that some fanboys are willing to. I love Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill 2, and am lukewarm about Jackie Brown, Kill Bill 1 and Death Proof. I went into Inglorious Basters with moderate expectations, I was expecting a violent, stylized death-fest along the lines of Kill Bill 1, with some fun characters and terrific dialogue. What I got was something completely different. There's violence, sure, but it really is an afterthought in a fun, non-linear mission movie with some awesome dialogue, memorable characters, beautiful shots and sets and terrific performances. This was one of my biggest cinematic surprises in some time. Some complain about Tarantino's pacing and lack of a tight script, I just sit back and enjoy the ride. Brad Pitt (who is displaying his underrated talent with every new role - for me, it's been evident since True Romance) is great, I particularly enjoyed the performances of Melanie Laurent (marry me, please), Christoph Waltz and Michael Fassbender as a french Jew hell-bent on revenge, an SS colonel known as the "Jew hunter" and a British operative. Pulp Fiction it is not, but it is a solid, solid piece of work that probably gets better on re-watching. All in all, I'd say Tarantino's take on the WW2 mission film was a rip-roaring success. He plays games with the language and subtitles (for instance, everytime someone says "oui" in french, the subtitles said "oui", which I got a big kick out of), and there's quite a lot of humor buried under a surprisingly powerful story. At times funny, revolting, sad and horrifying, this is really a very solid film. If I have a complaint, it's with the pacing... and that comes from the movie trying to do too much. There are too many characters getting too much time, and that detracts from what's really going on. There's a period of about an hour where you completely forget that the Basterds exist. That, and that alone is keeping this film away from the "9" territory, it attempts to do too much and falls short. However, I still thoroughly enjoyed it... even while nursing an atomic Hofbrau-induced hangover. If you like any of Tarantino's other work at all, you absolutely cannot miss Inglorious Basterds. I'd advise anyone to give it a chance, it's a lot of fun.


4. Public Enemies - 67% on RT, My Rating 8.6

It wasn't what people expected or wanted. And that's why I love it. Only Michael Mann would have the balls to make an $80 million art film with A-list talent. Michael Mann makes shoot-outs that should embarrass the rest of Hollywood... they are so goddamned awesome. This is one of those movies that I'm going to watch over and over.. I can tell already. A film about an American legend, by an American legend. This is an important piece of Americana. If you missed it on the big screen, I'm sorry for you. Don't go into it expecting the Untouchables or some shoot 'em up. Go into it expecting to find a quality character study, absolutely gorgeous shots and set design, and meander along for the ride. Its not a cheap beer that you chug down, it's a fine wine, savor it, for there aren't many people out there capable of making a film like this.



3. Star Trek - 95% on RT, My Rating 8.8

J.J. Abrams has huge balls. Not only did he put something like "LOST" on network TV, he had the balls to make a movie featuring Kirk, Spock and co. with completely unknown actors. Anytime you're dealing with a franchise as beloved as Star Trek, you've got to be careful, because the nerd mafiosi will rip you to shreds for any misstep. This film exceeded everyone's expectations, by a large margin. This is about as watchable as a movie can get. Far away the highest grossing entry into the Star Trek pantheon, no small feat when we're talking about a 12 film series. Really damn close to a perfect sci-fi/action movie, and it does so much more than re-boot the franchise... it re-invigorates it... leaving the star trek universe healthier than ever. The casting is inspired, and this one stacks up as probably the best of all the star trek pictures... I'm anxious as hell for the sequel, and will watch this on DVD at least 50 times.



2. District 9 - 89% on RT, My Score: 9

Now here is the surprise of the summer. a truly original film with a lot to say, that looks awesome. part mockumentary, part allegory, part action film, District 9 literally came out of nowhere and is an important entrant to the sci-fi pantheon. this really is one of the best films to come out in recent years. No one knew what to make of this one when the viral marketing and leaked stills first hit, but the excitement grew as the trailers were released. After the first reviews came out? Wow. This film manages to be an allegory of race and the human condition while simultaneously criticizing human greed, governments and multinational corporations, and having a compelling story that will keep you at the edge of your seat. The film feels completely real, and the first half hour or so is unreal in terms of just how authentic it really feels. When it ramps up into action mode, the effects are unbelievable, and put a lot of the high-cost blockbusters to shame. For me, the only thing holding this one back from all-time status is a completely unlikable lead character. I just didn't care about Wikus at all, and actually wanted him to die. But that's a minor critique, and probably had more to do with the South African doofus playing the character than the character himself, and in no way cheapens the importance of this film. At a time when everything is recycled and borrowed nonsense, a breath of fresh air like this is just what the doctor ordered.



1. The Hurt Locker - 98% on RT, My Score: 9.2

An incredibly visceral and powerful film about a new war for a new generation. This is the first film of value that's been made about the Iraq War, and its a great one. Basically a series of vignettes that only come together towards the end, this film manages, like all the best war movies, to say so much about war without passing judgment on it. The film is more about the human condition and what war does to the people involved than about this or that political persuasion or opinion. For that, is it all the more valuable and powerful. The biggest names in the film (Ralph Fiennes and Guy Pierce) are in it for all of... 15 minutes, and your mind will be blown by the unknowns occupying the rest of the time. It feels like a documentary, that's how real it is, and pencil this one in for director and best picture oscar noms right now. possibly acting nom for jeremy renner also. the cinematography is outstanding, intense, and makes you feel like you're there. this film is one that grows on me the more that i think about it... and i'm sure will only improve with time. if you live somewhere where its actually showing, stop wasting time and see this terrific picture.

A Letter of Hate to Dayton, Ohio, and other such things.

Hello all, I have made my (not-so) triumphant return to the world of the internet. I apologize for the delay, some things popped up there. I'll try to post at least once a week from here on out, at least for the foreseeable future. blogging is an interesting thing... it will definitely get away from you if you aren't careful. it's like a yard or potted plant or something; if you take care of it, tend to it, apply fertilizer and water as needed, you'll have a healthy ass lawn plant. if however, you go away for a long weekend and forget about it... before you know it, your plant is dead and your lawn has taken on a life of its own and now looks like a setpiece from dances with wolves or the lion king and then it takes your whole weekend to mow the damn thing. (did i lose everyone with that ridiculously convoluted analogy yet?) so anyway, this post is my saturday afternoon that i spend hacking through 5 inch grass because i got lazy with my law, enjoy.

well, as many of you know, i took the bar at the end of july, and you may or may not be wondering how said exam went. well. i can't really say, honestly. i feel like i worked hard preparing myself for it (not as hard as i possibly could have, but i don't feel as though i was underprepared) but its just the nature of the beast that you really don't know what to make of the thing when you walk out of there. the #1 question is always "was it hard?".. and hard wouldn't be the adjective i'd use to sum up the creature that is the ohio bar exam. tricky would be. tricky and obscure. it's honestly not about knowing the law, because if that's all it was, the bar, quite frankly, would be rather easy, because knowing the law is pretty simple. it's about finding the most obscure, exceptions-to-exceptions nonsense to try and leave as many people behind as possible. is this the best way to conduct a test that determines whether or not someone should be admitted to the profession? probably not. but hey, why would anyone start listening to me now?

some thoughts: • Why is fighting such a bad thing? I mean, yes, I understand the need to keep the peace and all that, I'm not condoning reckless behavior, random violence or attacks. What I'm talking about is legally sanctioned bouts between two adults due to adequate provocation. For instance, lets say some below average individual was fucking up a relationship situation you might have going on. Is that adequate provocation? Absolutely, and this is grounds for a fight, from which no legal consequences can come, as long as the violence stays within normal fight parameters (i.e., no weapons, one on one, basically fight club rules). Lets look at a particular group of individuals as an example. I'm talking about "hipsters" in general, and diminutive, cowardly "men" specifically. These kids are running wild, they've been raised in an environment in which there are no consequences for acting like a complete dipshit. Call them the "jackass generation". Little kids who like to pretend like they are cool and "different" because they like the same things as each other. (isn't conformity with a certain set of cultural standards still conformity?) Why have these kids taken over bars, loft apartments and parks across the country? Because they were coddled and allowed to do whatever the hell they want while growing up, while allowed to talk trash and act like an idiot because physical retribution was forbidden. I'm just going to say this. Physical violence, in certain situations, is a good thing, and establishes a natural pecking order. For millenia, it was understood that certain acts would result in getting your ass beat. All of a sudden, in the past 20 years, we've decided that we know a better way to do things. Don't get me wrong, i'm not opposed to progress, but i am opposed to things that are bad and wrong. Taking away the consequences to certain anti-social behaviors is bad and wrong. It used to be, if you were a little twerp, you either learned how to fight, got some big friends, or you learned how to shut your mouth. Now? Everyone just runs their mouths, freely and openly, without any fear whatsoever. Is this a better outcome? I put that inquiry to you, and leave it to you.
• Want to hear something cool? I agreed to move in with a friend, sleeping on the pull-out couch, thinking that I'd be staying over with a certain female companion of mine a solid 4-5 nights a week, and so I would not in fact be sleeping on aforementioned pull-out couch every night. However, said female companion decided to take this opportunity to "dump" me via text message while I was out of town, and is now "dating" a "male" of below average size and intelligence. So now I'm single as shit and sleeping on a pull-out couch 7 nights a week. That'll make you feel like a titleholder. And really, having seen the kid, beating him up wouldn't even be satisfying. He'd have to combine with 3-4 of his undersized hipster friends like Voltron to even form a normal sized person. The best adjective to describe "him" would be "impish". He looks like someone that was forced to work in the circus as a youth, stunting his growth and causing him to cap out at the size of a normal 11 year old.
• Its good to know that I do in fact, have some morals and scruples left. For the past... ohhh, 5 years or so, "seeing Erin Andrews naked" was on my top 5 list of wishes. Now that I have, I feel creepy and dirty for watching the hotel video. It's kind of refreshing, actually, the knowledge that some morality exists. This is what Amish people feel like when they catch a glimpse of a thigh while taking a trip to town. while i tend to pride myself on being "enlightened" and unencumbered by the traditional scruples of polite society, it was actually refreshing to feel a pang of disgust. i feel like i'm going to go stone a couple of adulterers.

ok. now the meat of this badboy, the discussion of Dayton, OH, "Ohio's Taint", and its devastating effect on interstate commerce, culture, and the continuation of the union. I'm going to express my disdain via letter, an intimate medium.

Dear Dayton,
I'll never forgive the pain and suffering you've caused me through your combination of horrible urban planning, idiotic road design, non-sensical work projects and perpetual road repairs that evidently only make the roads in fact, worse. There is no possibility of any city in any western nation causing more of a disturbance to a major interstate thoroughfare while contributing less. Two weeks ago, I left Cincinnati heading to Fostoria, Ohio, a 177 mile trip. It took 77 minutes to travel 20 miles through the greater Dayton area. This would be understandable if you were in and of itself a destination or attraction. Sadly, you are neither, and indeed, are quite the opposite. Rather than a destination, you are home to a greater exodus than anywhere south of Detroit, and indeed serve as an obstacle to travelers far and wide. As a "city", you are the functional equivalent of a barricade and you serve as the shame of the entire interstate system, once the pride of the Western world. Within the perilous bends of your pathetic excuse for construction projects there is a 40 degree turn that requires all traffic slow to a speed of under 50 miles per hour. Needless to say, on a road as busy as I-75, that is never going to end well. This is simply inexcusable in a city of nothing but abandoned warehouses and factories. It is, plainly, time to embrace the fact that literally no one is trying to get to or from Dayton. People are merely trying to get THROUGH Dayton. You had a population of 260,000 in 1960 and a population of 155,000 in 2007, an impressive achievement in this day and age of burgeoning population. As a poster child of post-industrial waste, I propose that you do us all a favor and bulldoze blocks on end to make for a logical and adequate interstate passage. This entire letter is referring only to your pisspoor design and execution, and epic failure of your road system and repairs. I'm choosing to skirt the issue of your decline and fall into utter waste, and completely ignoring the fact that literally every single person from the Dayton area is vaguely overweight. So I guess, Dayton, I'm asking you to burn yourself down so that people can actually pass through your sorry excuse for a "place".
Thank you for your time,
A.B.