• The "Fake Smart"
For some god unknown reason, in our present society, being young, liberal and hip and liking "cool" clothes, books, music and other general societal type things means that you then, and other people then, think you are smart. Sure - having cool opinions in things makes it more likely someone MIGHT be smart, but something else is required. When the hell did that happen? These things have literally NOTHING in common. Liking "cool" shit is an opinion... one often heavily influenced by media and other "cool" kids. It has nothing to do with aptitude, skill or ability. If you're artistic, wear hipster glasses and skinny jeans, you aren't smart just because of these facts alone. Having an encyclopedic knowledge of (insert media here: books, music, tv, movies) doesn't make you smart in and of itself either. Having a degree doesn't help either. College is fucking easy. If you have parents willing to pay and half a brain, you'll get a degree. I never even took books to or from class through most of college and graduated with more than half A's. I played video games and drank 90 hours a week and still got into law school. Being intelligent requires some actual ability, ability to reason, to solve complex problems and carry through higher-level thoughts. Just being able to make it through a book and pretending to like it doesn't make you smart - some understanding, analysis and synthesis is required. It doesn't have anything to do with liking Phoenix and wearing flannel. Now, as I mentioned earlier, political viewpoint is an important part of appearing to be "fake smart"... and this continues even further with the causeheads. Those individuals that run wild with their being fake smart and use it to devote themselves to some cause they don't really understand and then use their limited actual ability to engage in "debates" that usually end in tears because there was never any actual reasoning involved in the decision in the first place. If you're unable to articulate your reasons for your belief (and no, saying "because it's right" or "because it's wrong" isn't a valid reason) - your belief is then based on faith, and thus you are no better than the creationists your fake psuedo-hippie ass bashes while eating steamed vegetables and watching the Daily Show. The Daily Show is another classic example of "fake smart", in that it pretends to be aloof and humorous while Jon Stewart is spouting opinions from his chair without any accountability because he's "a comedian". Grow a pair Jon. Don't behave like some arbiter of public discourse and then escape from any serious conversation with silliness. That's what a 4th grader does. Oh - if you think the Daily Show is "real" news ("I get my news from the Daily Show, I don't need anywhere else" is a commonly-spouted phrase by the "fake smart" crowd), you're the worst kind of fake smart.
2. People That are Bad at Drinking
Now, people that are bad at drinking can take many forms, they basically run the gamut of anti-social alcohol-related behaviors, and I hate them all. I recognize that anyone can get really wasted and have a bad night (see: me aka Robert Goulet, halloween '08), and I'm willing to give anyone a Mulligan on a rough night or two, that's not my concern here. My concern is people that just basically get into nonsense every time they drink, and should probably just hang up the old drinking shoes once and for all. In no particular order, here's a list/summary:
• The Lightweight. Now if you just happen to be a lightweight and are aware of this fact and act accordingly, I have no beef with you. My problem lies with people that are in fact lightweights, but talk/behave as if they are party people. They just ruin it for everyone else. If you're a 110 pound girl, drinking 7 beers in an hour is probably going to mess you up pretty bad, so why in the hell are you doing it? Why are you crying and getting into fights and making someone take you home at 9 PM? Why are you drinking when you clearly should just give it up? Does anyone know the answers to these questions?
• The snob. We understand that you traveled extensively through Europe's finest pubs and establishments and undoubtedly sampled all of the world's finest alcoholic confections, but honestly, we don't need to hear about how shitty what you're doing now is in comparison. You're just a downer. Grab your cheap light beer and have a good time, stop bitching about how little flavor it has. (this goes double for wine snobs)
• The "I can't drink _________" crowd. Note: this does not count for hard liquor shots. Everyone has a hard liquor or two that just make the old goosebumps rise up just from the smell, or everyone does if they lived life in college even kind of properly. I'm talking about regular ass cocktails/beverages like beer/wine. You can't drink beer? Really? Please Child... stop being a party pooper and sack up. It will honestly take you one week to learn how to love it. You just sit there and make yourself down a couple of beers and then boom. You like beer. You think you're the only whiney spoiled brat who tasted beer for the first time and thought "wow, this tastes really bitter and shitty"? No one likes beer the first time. America's garages, parking lots, basements and back yards are filled with 14-17 year old kids choking down beer learning how to love it. That's just the way it is.
• The Hangover. You know these folks. They're the ones that are Johnny good time the night before but the next day act like hell itself opened its gnarling doors to consume them. These clowns will often bitch while drinking: "wow, shouldn't have done that shot, DEFINITELY going to be hung over tomorrow." Fact, drinking copious amounts of alcohol will make you feel like shit the next day. Fact, being a baby about it does not actually make you feel any better and you'll feel 10X better if you stop bitching about it and sack up. If you really get that hungover that you're truly incapacitated the next day, maybe you should stop drinking?
• The loud one. We all know this joker.. he's the guy who once his BAC reaches .10 everything is screamed at the highest attainable decibel level. There are nights when this isn't a problem (crowded bars, etc.), but 90% of the time, this dude/girl is not on the highest spot of "guys I want to hang out with".
• The crier. Something like 17% of women cry every time they have more than 5 drinks. I read it in a book once or just made it up, either way, it's a serious stat. This just in: crying isn't fun for anyone, ever. If booze makes you do it, take a look at what booze is really accomplishing for you.
• The "bedtime" - now the weird thing about these characters is that they're usually among the most fun people to hang out with ordinarily - until 10 PM comes around and they've magically disappeared. These are a sub-species of "the lightweight", and at least they do us the favor of disappearing rather than fighting/crying/puking, but still - where the hell did you go? Why did you go there? Don't you know that everything only gets more fun as the night goes on?
3. Fitness Freaks
These asshats are just about as bad as it gets. I'm not quite sure what it is about obsessively working out that makes you unable to talk/think about anything else, but someone should create an antidote. Now don't get me wrong, I'm into a good workout as much as anyone, but when it turns into a multiple hour a day thing with accompanying diet regime and you start drinking Michelob Ultra.. you've just become an asshole. I understand you've put a lot of work into it, but honestly, tight shirts, shirtless pictures, secretly flexing in mirrors like everyone can't see you do it, not participating in things with friends b/c it's "unhealthy" and doing things like ordering a wrap just makes you someone I'd enjoy hitting with a bat. Working out is like all things. Best in moderation, unhealthy to excess. Even worse are the really hardcore runners. Smug in their sense of accomplishment and all of that. Listen, I know our society is completely meaningless so you have to set arbitrary and silly goals for yourself in order to get some sense of satisfaction and accomplishment, but really, no one cares that you just ran 10 miles. I'm sure it feels good when you're done, but so does jerking off, and no one has intense conversations about how they jerked it for half an hour. Not to mention - running marathons is ridiculous. The first guy to ever run a marathon (Marathon was the site of an ancient battle between Athenians and Persians and is 26.2 miles from Athens) was a soldier named Pheidippides, who DROPPED DEAD after reaching Athens to warn the city's inhabitants of the Persians' arrival. If the first person to ever do something dropped dead after doing it, you probably shouldn't do said thing. This includes Russian Roulette, swimming with great white sharks, taking a site seeing tour of Afghanistan and having sex with Africans. Plus - once you get to the point where you're wearing this:
in order to be "more" of a runner or whatever, it should honestly be legal to just throw a big blanket party for you. Running and biking are the only two "sports" where casual participants wear the same shit as professionals. Why is that? When guys go play football in the park or whatever, they aren't wearing official uniforms... so why are the douches peddling and/or running strenuously through are streets all done up like Steve Prefontaine and Lance Armstrong? Am I the only one that finds this state of affairs utterly ridiculous? I can't possibly be.
4. Sex and the City - ites
Sex in the City (among other things) has had a disastrous effect on the interactions of women in this country. Now groups of single women think it's cool to encourage each other to be slutty - which, while it may be good in the short run (i.e., you're looking to hook up with someone) is horrible in the long run, because everyone (especially Kurupt) knows you can't make a ho a housewife. The worst part about this encouragement is that it's completely cynical, because 99% of all females really want to be in a committed serious relationship (including the characters on the show), and acting slutty makes this exceedingly less likely to happen. Awful, awful, awful. So basically the whole thing is single women encouraging each other to engage in behavior that will ensure they all stay single for longer and make themselves less attractive to men in the meanwhile. If Al Qaeda went after the creators of sex and the city, I could get on board with that.
That's all I've got for now - I want to post this bad boy already, so be on the lookout for a sequel (squeakquel?) at some point in the future.
Oh, and perfection:
