Being 24, Dane Cook, The Tribe.

I'm going to start this out with a quick statement, fuck Ben Stiller, fuck Dane Cook, fuck Nic Cage. those are my three most hated "famous people", bar none. Ben Stiller i'm pretty sure set out with the express intent to ruin my birthday weekend, by having his new fuckfest open up. really funny Ben, act like a spaz and resort to sophomoric physical slapstick. nice job bud. let me guess, your movie is going to involve bit actors falling down/getting injured, a solid amount of poo/toilet "humor", probably a rash/disease with obvious physical symptoms of some sort, and just the general feeling of everything going against the "normal" guy, good old Ben, who is just experiencing all of this general mayhem. good thing you make millions to act like a douche and get cheap laughs off of people with low IQs. i like to explain it this way: everyone has a favorite character on two moments of comedic genius: Anchorman and Seinfeld. there is the "obviously funny" character, who they put in to appease people. on Seinfeld, it's Kramer, on Anchorman, it's Brick. in real life, it's Ben Stiller. is Zoolander good? absolutely, but that's the exception rather than the rule. his whole shtick actually works, even though there is still all the stupid physical comedy. screw you Ben Stiller, i'm not letting you ruin my birthday weekend any further by giving you the satisfaction of even talking about you. why is Dane Cook doing ads on TBS for the baseball playoffs? how is he qualified to do that? everyone knows the only reason he's famous is because he's good looking. you act like a fuck Dane, go get a worldview and something to say and then call me back. if Dane Cook looked like me, or any normal, "nonattractive" male, he'd be fucking creeping out his fellow employees as a busboy at some shit ass Crapplebees in Asshatville. i dare you to reenact a Dane Cook bit without screaming, gyrating, or acting like a general freak, and get anyone to laugh at it. it's not possible. you could speak in tongues while screaming and writhing about like a heroin addict and people would laugh, just b/c you're fucking embarrassing yourself. i legitimately know people that are more humorous than dane cook. and that is pathetic, that douche is a borderline household name. what does he do that's funny? he just freaks out, he's like a curiousity more than anything. i'm pretty sure i acted exactly that way for at least 3 years of my life from 11 PM-4 AM on every Friday and Saturday night, and no one paid me a damn dime for it, they usually just walked away in disgust and/or stopped talking to me.

So I turned 24 yesterday, pretty fucking crazy. i mean sure, age is just a number, whatever, but 24 is getting fucking old. well, not actually, but old enough. by most measures i should be considered an "adult" by this point in time and, well, i'm not. like, for instance, if i was your teams' first round draft pick and i was 24 years old, you'd be thinking that i was old as hell, "shit, is he mormon or something?", but if I was running for mayor everyone would basically act like i was 11. i'm not putting any value judgment on that fact, just making an observation. i've got a new theory on age. i used to be of the opinion that once you're 25 you're old, no questions asked, i've since changed my tune. i now go by the "baseball" rule. like, listen to how announcers/commentators talk about baseball players. if a baseball player was 25, they'd call him young, "up and coming", a "prospect". however, if a baseball player was 28, they'd call him "a journeyman", "veteran", "in their prime" or "project". so by that logic, you're now old when you're 27-28, according to my new rule on age. (HOLY FUCK JAKE WESTBROOK SUCKS INCREDIBLE AMOUNTS OF COCK - written immediately after his douchey ass gave up a 3 run bomb to captain caveman) so that gives me a few more years here to act like a clown before i have to worry about behaving in a manner that would be considered "acceptable" by most generic measures. but the way i figure, my life is more or less 1/3rd over. if i do make it to 72, i don't want to make it too much farther than that. i'm not sure what 72 year olds are up to, but it probably isn't anything sweet. and since i'm not much of a sweater or gardening guy myself, i'm just going to go out on a limb and say that 72 is the farthest i'm going to make it. that is, of course, assuming that there is no revolutionary advance in medical technology that would allow me to unnaturally prolong my youth in defiance of god's will. however, given that the best case scenario as of right now puts me in the middle class rather than the "filthy, disgustingly rich" category, i wouldn't be able to take advantage of these miraculous procedures at any rate, so we'll just call it a day and say that my life is 1/3rd over. i'm not sure if that's good or bad. i don't think it's all bad, i don't have too many regrets at this point, so as long as that continues, i guess i can't really complain.

at any rate, the fucking media is ridiculous. the fallout from the whole "insect" thing in game 2 is the most absurd "story" i've ever encountered. everyone acted like the swarm of "midges" or whatever the fuck they are were on the Indians' team. like what, they're from Cleveland so they must practice in the midst of millions of insects in preparation for unleashing them on the poor, disadvantaged yankees? i mean come the fuck on, if you don't think that's absurd, hit the small "X" at the top of your browser window. bugs are indiscriminately annoying. what, they don't have bugs in new york? fuck off, grow up, stop making excuses for why you suck ass. i'm going to leave you with a Ryan Garko quote: "The other guys on the Yankees were acting like there were bullets flying around their heads, not gnats," Cleveland first baseman Ryan Garko added. "I mean ... this is the big leagues."

why is the fucking insect thing a bigger story than the fact that the Indians' highest paid player (Trot Nixon), doesn't even play? or the little fact that the Indians' payroll ($61 million) is less than what ARod, Giambi and Jeter make in a season ($71 million). source:http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/teams/salaries?team=nyy - and that number doesn't even include whatever exhorbitant amount they're paying Clemens' old ass. i mean, why is there a huge stink over steroids (which have not been proven to aid or improve performance in baseball at any point in time) when there is one clear, open, and easily discernible obstacle to fair competition in professional baseball, and that is the situation where one team's payroll is $197 million while their opponent's is $63 million, and we're pretending that's fair? who's the bigger bad guy and threat to baseball here? Barry Bonds or George Steinbrenner? it's supposedly a huge fucking deal when people cheat and "compromise the integrity of the game of baseball", what the fuck? how is paying whatever amount you can afford preserving the integrity of baseball? what's worse for the sport of baseball? Pete Rose betting on his team to win, or George Steinbrenner and Theo Epstein buying whoever they want while most of the other teams have to actually develop talent. what's the bigger story? some fucking bugs, or the fact that a team whose payroll is 3X that of their opponent is down 2 games to none to a team that pays their entire team less than you pay 3 of your 4 infielders? if that doesn't irk your basic conception of "fairness" and "sportsmanship", then you probably like it when top 10 college football teams put up 70 points on I-AA schools, that is to say, you're probably a fuck.

speaking of college football, how is OSU not getting more #1 votes? you can't honestly say you've seen a team look more impressive this season. Ohio State has given up 43 points this season, 40 fucking 3. and that includes the TD purdue scored with :58 remaining of a blowout, the TD Washington scored in the last minute blowout, a safety and a kickoff return TD. in meaningful minutes of the game against the defense therefore, opposing teams have scored 20 points. 20 fucking points against Ohio State's defense. in 6 games. what other team can say that? it doesn't matter who you're playing, every other team in the country has given up 20 points in a single game at least once. if you watch Ohio State you cannot legitimately say that they don't have the best Defense in the country. there are at least 4 NFL 1st day picks on that defense. book them for the national championship game, where anything can happen since they won't be 2 TD favorites this year.

oh, so something odd/funny happened today. so i'm sitting down in the living room fucking around, checking the menu to see what's on TV, and i see that on one of the generic HBO channels, Fievel Goes West is playing. so i'm like, sweet, i love(d) Fievel goes West, i'm going to watch the shit out of it. i watch probably the first 20 minutes, and i realize, wow, this movie is fucking horrible, i'm not 8 anymore, what the hell. and that's a weird thing, how some things you love when you're a little kid hold up, and some dont. like, if i watched "The Sandlot" today, i'd fucking love it. but, if i watched "the land before time", i would throw up in my mouth. someone should write a paper on why this is, i want to read it. i think there's something to be said for writing quality programming that is intended for children and that can hold up if you're older than 10. Free Willy? Shit. The Lion King? Sweet. and don't even talk about Shrek, i just know that half of the people that just read the above paragraph thought "oh, like Shrek". No, not like Shrek, Shrek is obnoxious in the same way that Family Guy is, it's too full of itself. it's just like so random and smug that i can't stand it. ok, great, you're the pop culture wizard, amaze us with your knowledge of obscure celebrities, ability to quote dated movies and dazzle us with your capability for complete randomness. oh wait, it's not funny, at all. it's random, and retarded. "What if Jack Nicholson was a blabbity bloo", oh wait, no one cares. What's Shrek and Family Guy's point of view? they don't have one. they have no opinions on anything besides the fact that they'll make you chuckle b/c of their general randomness. i demand more. beware of people that try to hard to be clever, i'm skeptical of them.

ok, that's all i've got to say about this. i'll post more regularly from here on out, i promise, shit got crazy there for a while.