Come in for the real thing.

look at these fucking jokers. random mom: "hey, i'm too lazy to walk but too corny to care that i look like a fucking moron". i hate every single person that is in this picture, and their fucking smug sensibilities. i bet at least $200 that every person in that picture thinks it's not ok to make a joke about 9/11 and speaks in a really really politically correct manner. (that's my litmus test for "cool": whether or not you get offended by lame fucking shit. why would you get offended by something meaningless that someone says? they're just a person and it's not like they're handing down edicts from on high, they aren't fucking Zues)

so in a follow up to the last post, the University of Cincinnati "Police" were hanging out around the law school lawn party last night - and one of them had a fucking Segway. what bullshit. (for those of you that don't know what a Segway is, i wish i was you, and here: http://www.segway.com/) the segway is basically the worst invention of all time, (or at least since the laserdisc) it's a giant, hulking metal fucking scooter that you lean to drive. basically, it's a shittier, slower bike. (not that bikes aren't retard, bikes are like the queens of the lame transportation community, Segways are just the overlord, unquestioned Caesar of the lame transportation realm). but beyond how shitty they are is the ridiculous price. they run like $5 grand. straight up, and they're worthless. anyone under 70 can outrun a Segway, what the fuck is a cop going to use it for? to look at people and take up too much of the sidewalk with a massive slow moving monstrosity? yeah, really non-conspicuous there. the Dodge Chargers are bad enough, the Segway is offensive. basically the UC police decided "fuck it, let's buy a $5,000 shitty electric bike so our officer can move around slower than he could by any other form of vehicular transportation". fuck you UC. i don't care if i end up as the next John Grisham,i'm not giving you a dime for your offensive use of university funds. half of the chairs in the big lecture rooms are broken but you're more concerned about purchasing overpriced and useless techno gadgetry. a pox on you. (i think that's a really shitty thing to say to someone, like, a lot worse than "fuck you", b/c what does that even mean? but wishing "a pox" on someone? that's like an act of bioterrorism if it works out, talk about hardcore.)

so law school has these events where they basically say "hey, you've been paying to get drunk your entire life, here, go get fucked up for the price of, on the house" and really, i don't know how to react or behave. maybe, if i was actually mature or had learned how to drink without just taking beers to the face that would be ok, but me + free drinks = trouble. last night was rage city. (if you don't know, "raging" is the act of, as some would say "kicking it". like, more or less, rage = blacked out, it's kind of like swimming with the dolphins) we partied that fucker down. the ramifications will be felt for weeks, i don't even want to know how many bridges i burned (i hope its in the single digits). there was a period of approx. 1 hour where all i did was walk around and say "come in for the real thing" and give people hugs. guys, girls, pets, children, whoever. they just needed a hug evidently. throw that in with the screaming rendition of Eddie Money's "Take me Home Tonight" (let's find the key and turn this engine on) and you've got a lesson in douchebaggery. i drank probably 10 drinks containing redbull, and that shit will mess you up. i'm staying out of the redbull game for at least all of this week. my heart was pounding, i was up until 5:15, i lost my debit card, couldn't find my car, all kinds of fun and exciting shit. not only did i go to sleep at 5:15, i was up before 11. redbull is like speed, a few weeks of that shit and your hair will fall out. oh, and that's without even considering thursday "double tequilla shots" night. lets just sum up thursday with a few words, 1.) i sang Night Moves karaoke (evidently it was good according to other drunk people) but don't really remember it, 2.) my friend who was driving (and drunk) got pulled over on the way home, which i do not remember, at all, usually the fuzz can kill a good buzz faster than a crazy significant other and 3.) i've been talking to this girl, who said she'd call thursday night, and the next morning i texted her with "i thought you were going to call later", having no recollection of having talked to her for a half hour at 2 AM. awesome alert. needless to say, class on friday went well. i was the model of academic focus and success. i didn't even attempt to make eye contact w/ the prof throughout the class.

next lets talk about losing personal possessions, which i did quite a bit of yesterday. first, aforementioned girl calls me friday, and like 2 seconds after we get off the phone, the screen looks like a bad horror movie, it's doing nothing but flashing white and gray. so i'm thinking... uhhh, ok, take out the battery, and after putting it back in, nothing. phone is just non-responsive. so i'm thinking great, by this time it's 4 PM, free beer starts at 5, and missing free beer is kind of like naming your son "Todd" or "Brad", that is, retarded. i head over to the verizon store, where dude is like "yeah, your phone died, it happens" and proceeds to tell me that basically i lost my contacts and everything b/c it can't be accessed on the now defunct piece of plastic. "yaaay". but, at least it was free. i guess it could be worse. later in the evening, i decide that free alcohol isn't enough for me, i've got to have the shit that you pay actual money for, and it damn well better have redbull in it. so needless to say i open tabs at several establishments, and the 'ol debit card gets lost somewhere along the way. i called around this morning to no avail, it's gone, probably in the hands of "Lieutenant Dan with legs" who frequents the front stoop of Chipotle begging for burritos and "change", who is probably planning the best way to spend the heartbreakingly small balance of my checking account. so, i cancel my card, and they're sending me another one, right? wrong. evidently since i opened up my account in fotown, they've got to send it to my Fostoria address. thanks 5/3rd. great work. way to look out for your customers. i mean, i understand the concern, but you made me answer 85 fucking security questions when i called, i don't think you mailing my card to the house that i live in is an outlandish request. so anyway, we've got to go through more than one mailing session before i have a card. which is great. nice job 5/3rd. something tells me that if i'd made a fucking scene about it they would have made it happen, but i've never been good at that kind of shit, it's just embarrassing. i should have freaked out at verizon and got a better phone b/c it's their fucking fault my old one broke, and i should have freaked out at the 5/3rd douche b/c it's incredibly inconvienient for me to not have a debit card, but nope. AB = pussy. dads and grandpas will freak the fuck out on service employees and get free shit. i just say "thanks" for shit they're supposed to do and get screwed over because of it.

what else? i've been listening the shit out of Beck lately. good times. i'm currently obsessed with "Grandma's Boy", "Superbad", "40 Year Old Virgin" and "Beerfest", and quoting them accordingly. is every single one of those movies retarded? absolutely, but if you can't laugh at stupid shit then go read someone else's blog. Kanye's new shit dropped this week. i'm a big fan of Kanye West productions, he's easily a top 2 producer in hip hop/rap (the other is Just Blaze if you're keeping track at home). if you're interested in shit kanye has produced for other people, check out the "ITunes Essentials Kanye West Productions". the album is solid, not his best, but it has it's moments. i say it's better than "College Dropout" but worse than "Late Registration". but it's 'Ye, so you know it's fun. "Good Life" is easily the most listened to song of the last week. every song is like polished and an actual song on the album, which is a complaint for me, since some of my favorite kanye songs are the screw around ones that will never see the radio, "Home", "Out the Game", "Late". at any rate, he's outselling the shit out of 50, which is awesome, since 50 is fucking horrible, on every level. other than "in the club" which everyone liked back in like '03, there are maybe 2 50 songs i can even stand. he's fucking obnoxious. it's too bad he won't really retire. he needs to go back under whatever fucking rock he crawled out from under and bounce. in the famous words of "Biff" in Back to the Future: "Why don't you make like a tree and get out of here".

oh. go tribe and go bucks, they're easily the best team in the Big 10 right now (unless you count Penn State giving up 24 points to Buffalo and Wisconsin giving up 30 to the fucking CITADEL as signs of a quality team). mark my words, no Pac-10 team not named USC will beat Washington as bad as Ohio state did this season. i wish i could go to an indians game, the stretch run would be great to see.

ok kids, we're coming up on 9 PM, time try to find some boozing to get into. no worries, i have self-imposed limits in place tonight... i'm not surpassing 8 on the 10 point drunk scale. thursday and friday were like 11s. ciao.