Daddy's back in the blog game.

whore. she tried to ruin 2 of the better recent films with her horrible over acting, and fucked billy bob thornton. a lot. that instantly drops you 3 points in the 10 point scale, i heavily favor consideration of prior sexual partners in determination of your outright physical attractiveness.

looks really cool in a really cool fucking movie. haters, back away.

(preface: i'm in a really, really weird mood tonight, so i apologize if this blog appears to have been written by Miss Teen South Carolina, who is hopefully in the hospital getting her stomach pumped tonight after servicing Clemson's entire football team as punishment from the fates)

so here i am. i've been talking about starting a new blog for months, i figured tonight's as good a time as any, so here goes. i haven't posted on a blog of any sort in months, so forgive me if i seem a little rusty. i'm probably not in the best mood to be posting at any rate, but you know what i always say, no guts no glory (to hell with it if that phrase usually proceeds a shot of tequilla, it's generally applicable). i have a goal for this blog, and that's to not capitalize anything or divide the posts up into paragraphs, so only dedicated readers can delineate what the shit is going on. (sub-topic: i am here advocating the replacement of "what the fuck" with "what the shit", i feel like "what the shit" is more effective at conveying what needs to be said because of the lack of meaning assigned to the word "fuck" anymore, it's the most commonly used word in many an individual's vocabulary, "shit" has almost become more dirty and taboo just by virtue of it's relative non-use) why would someone purposefully alienate the majority of their readership? call it an adventure in obnoxiousness, a term that i feel like most high school teachers would circle in red pen were it used, although its use should be encouraged, "being obnoxious" is far inferior as a means of conveying what i'm actually attempting to accomplish. what's new with me you ask? well, another school year is upon us. what is this now? number 18? 12 + 4 +2, it would be number 18 indeed. pretty overwhelming when you think of it that way... i'll be 24 in a month, and 75% of my time on this earth has been spent either in school or ready to return to school. was it well spent? i hope so, but who really knows at this point. i kind of feel like a waste of space, all i'm really doing is ensuring that i'll be broke for a few more years (and that's completely ignoring the thousands of dollars in debt that i've accumulated over the last year plus). do i want to be a lawyer? maybe. probably, why not. if someone asked me "if you had all the money in the world what job would you do" i'd choose: Eric from entourage (i know more about movies than he does and i'm at least 48X LESS of a gigantic douche, and have you seen how hot the chicks he gets with are? the dude is 5'3 135), jacques cousteau/steve zissou and an astronaut, but that's neither here nor there. being a lawyer probably isn't so bad, if you can keep your soul and not completely sell out to the relentless machine that is american consumerism. i still really think i want to be an astronaut, but i think it's a little late for that career path, unless i pull a Christa McAuliffe and get a sympathy bid i suppose, although that didn't end too well for her, so maybe we'll just scratch that proposal. the nfl starts thursday, which i am unbelieveably stoked about, even if the Bills are going to suck ass this year, i've become a fan of the entire nfl in my old age... like, if it was socially acceptable for me to do so, i would wear one of those jackets with all the teams on it, i just feel like i wouldn't be able to get away with it, kind of like how i couldn't rock a Bob Sanders/Bart Scott jersey no batter how badly i want to. so you know what would be an awesome song if it wasn't irretrievably and forever linked with chevy trucks? "like a rock" by none other than bobby rock. if you can listen to it and not be subconsciously overwhelmed with images of tight kmart bought wrangler jeans and tacky cowboy hats while generic underwear models moonlighting as "cowboys" carry on stereotypically "country" activities like throwing hay into the cab and hauling rocks, activities which i'm sure chevy trucks accomplish to a much greater degree than its immediate competitors, you'll find a pretty awesome fucking song, right up there with his other midwest jams. the midwest springsteen, that bobby rock, generally extremely underrated and underappreciated as an artist, a sad state of affairs, i've got 2 or 3 bobby rock jams that i feel like i could bust out if i was ever in a "superbad"-esque jam and forced to sing on threat of death by angry cokeheads. so i'm 23, fat, and single. which is unfortunate, b/c to be honest, i'm in the mood for a steady-esque (at least somewhat regular) bed companion, and there was a period of time in the not so distant past when i thought maybe that was going to be a definite possibility, but like so much in this life, it was not meant to be. now here i am. back to square one so to speak. to be completely cheesy and quote one of my favorite shitty 90's bands: "i've never felt so alone, and i've... never felt so alive". but here's my conondrum folks, let me tell you, 23, fat, and single is no way to be. which gives me several options, either transport myself into the universe that sustains the movie "superbad" so that i can hook up with gorgeous chicks despite my obvious weight problem (which, i must say, is much less obvious than mr. jonah hill's) there's jonah's sexy face right up there. another option is to lose weight, which honestly, i'm not sure if i'm up for at this point. that's a lot of work without the aid of FDA-prohibited diet supplements and honestly, i'm enjoying the solid 5,000 calorie/day diet i've been cruising on for the past several years. so what else? get a girlfriend you say? easier said than done my friend. i've managed to basically burn all bridges to my past, so my options are more or less limited, and very much so (date a law school girl you say? psh, i'll post about law school goggles at a later date). also, law school isn't exactly conducive to healthy relationship building, you tend to get busy at inoportune times and cranky for no reason in particular, in addition, shit you think is hilarious your partner will more likely than not have no idea what the shit you're talking about. so i'm not sure what the remedy is, if you've got a plan, let me know, i'm all about advise. oh, and if one girl comments and says "you aren't fat", i don't want to fucking hear it. i know i get exceedingly less ass than i did approx. 3-4 years ago when i weighed approx. 40-50 lbs less than i do today, so cut the shit. i think if i had telepathy i wouldn't have such bad luck with women. like, if they could hear what i'm thinking instead of saying, it'd work out much more to my advantage. but you know what they say, money and women are the two things that when you've got 'em you've got too much but when you don't have them you can't get them for the life of you, well here i am, with no women and no money... yowza. daddy's not in good shape. so the "back to the future" trilogy has been on hbo pretty steadily here as of late, and just let me say, for a set of movies that is 1.) as widely beloved and 2.) as highly regarded as the "back to the future" trilogy, there are a lot of huge fucking holes in what they're trying to accomplish there. 1.) doc is always talking about threatening the space time continuum and not wanting to know about his future but he's talking to someone who came from 1985 in 1955, doesn't doc's knowledge that his pursuit of the time machine technology will be successful push up the date of its completion? why does 1985 doc have no knowledge of seeing marty in 1955 before the first time marty goes back into the past, and if he doesn't have it b/c the space time continuum is changed once marty gets back to 1955, whats the big fucking deal? it's already screwed up. also, in bttf 2, marty watches marty playing the guitar. that's not fucking possible, all time machine discussion aside. also, if marty got his parents together in 1955 and they presumably name their child after this helpful stranger, why do they name their third child marty? wouldn't you think that if that name was considered suitable for a child, it'd be the first born given marty's important role in their marriage? finally, what the fuck is that colored coal that doc puts in the locomotive in the third installment and how is it supposed to make a 1885 train reach 88 miles per hour? i'm pretty sure that they make coal powered train engines today that could reach 88. the problem isn't how hot/fast coal burns, coal burns pretty fucking fast, it's how efficiently the engine transfers the power into motion. and in 1885 they weren't very good at it. if you're still reading i'm impressed. so ok, i'm going to finish with a list of my underappreciated movies. films that i love that just don't get that much love from society at large, which is upsetting to say the least: 1.) "Any Given Sunday", in my opinion the best football movie of all time, due in large part to its cast, is it over the top? of course. but it still accurately conveys locker-room dynamics and a basic knowledge of sport, which many more cartoony football adaptations fail to do. (i'm talking about you "the Program" and "Varsity Blues"). 2. "Grandma's Boy", Grandma's boy is every bit as funny as the more widely critically acclaimed comedies of mr. apatow, but it's guilty of association with Mr. Sandler, who of course is held in much less acclaim than anyone associated with Judd "Freaks and Geeks" Apatow, the current wunderkid of critics and elitists alike. don't get me wrong, i love Anchorman, 40 year old virgin, knocked up and superbad as much as the next guy, but Grandma's Boy is funnier than knocked up and in the same class as all of the rest. this is despite Paul Rudd's DeNiro impression, which is immaculate. shit, i capitalized a bunch of shit back there, oh well, it was a worthy effort and i'm just on a roll now. 3. Alexander. ok, ok, i know i'm defending a movie that 90% of the people that saw it hated, but seriously, give it another chance. watch the director's cut or the revisited version, you won't be disappointed. (is Angelina Jolie obnoxious? of course, she overacts the shit out of every role she's ever had, and damn near ruins "The Good Shepperd" but let's not hold it against Alexander that Angelina chose to use the same accent as Rodrigo "Paulo"/"the brazillian tom cruise" Santoro's Xerxes) what's the major complaint about Alexander? that Oliver Stone had the gall to depict him as having homosexual tendencies? i mean come on, if we know for certain that any historical figure was at least bisexual (which isn't fair given that the greeks had no concept of homo and hetero sexuality, kind of like American women in 2007), that figure is Alexander. the contemporary quotations are nearly proof-positive. macedonian nobles about court called phillip the one eye's young son alexander the "princess of macedonia", and a contemporary stated "the only foe to ever conquer alexander was hephastion's thighs". his effeminate demeanor and penchant for homosexual relations were so well known as to be common knowledge, it in no way demeans his stature as a warrior, general or a historical figure. the movie is great. give it another chance. 4. Miami Vice... do i have a man crush on Colin Farrel you ask? not really, but he does look really fucking cool in Miami Vice, you can't deny that. plus miami vice is a really cool looking, really smooth, adult movie. they don't make too many films whose target audience is older than 25 that don't star diane lane. kudos to Michael Mann, one of my favorite filmmakers (and he's producing the Kingdom, which not only stars Jamie Foxx and uses the best U2 song of all time in the trailer (bullet the blue sky if you're keeping track at home) but also releases in 3 weeks). anyway, miami vice didn't get a lot of love, but i've watched it like 4 times and i love it every time. also, the entourage finale was fucking retarded. this season was pretty weak. drama did awesome shit, which i love, since drama is my hero, but it just gets more and more ridiculous weekly, season 1 and 2 of entourage it doesn't get any better than... but i feel like it's on a slow, regrettable and perhaps inevitable decline. c'est la vie. no good thing lasts they say. well, that's it for tonight folks. if you actually read the whole thing... you're awesome as a person. feel free to comment. i'm back, i'll try and post at least once a week. if you know me you know i'm always interested in finding effective methods of procrastination. i bid you adieu. 3:10 to Yuma drops on friday, go see it if you know what's good for you, Christian Bale + Russell Crowe (as the bad guy!) + R-rated Western = cannot fail, or come see it with me, what the hell.

AB