The Oscars Live Blog 2010!!

Ok, so here are my final thoughts on best picture, I have not seen "An Education", "Precious", or "The Blind Side", but with those 3 exceptions, here are my 1-7 rankings of the Best Picture nominees:
7. Up (7.5)
6. Inglorious Basterds (8.3)
5. Up in the Air (8.5)
4. District 9 (8.9)
3. A Serious Man (9)
2. The Hurt Locker (9.1)
1. Avatar (9.3)

I feel like "Up" is the most overrated of the nominees. It's not significantly better than any other Disney/Pixar film, and has a powerful 15 minutes, but the rest is just silly and kind of dumb. There are only so many "dog" jokes you can make. Wall-E is 10X the film "Up" is. A couple of touching moments does not a movie make.. and honestly, how does a guy who's taking a George Costanza chair lift at the beginning of the movie jumping around and walking 20 miles at the end? His spryness was ridiculous. Is it very good for an animated film? Yes - but it still suffers from the same shortcomings as most animated films - overly sentimental, needlessly silly and childish in moments, and ridiculously stereotypical. To win "Best Picture", a film should be more than just a very good example of a genre.

Let's do this thing now:

The Red Carpet
• How can't Penelope Cruz speak english yet? Can't she hire a vocal coach or something? She's like the female Arnold Schwarzenegger.
• Maggie "I looked like a bulldog in "The Dark Knight"" Gyllenhaal looks really, really good and classy. I'll give credit where credit's due, I'm not above it.
• Sigourney Weaver should have been nominated for best supporting actress in Avatar. She was really, really good.
• Sandy Bullock is looking pretty good (Thanks Botox!).. and now she's talking about eating a burger and fries - like she's not starving herself daily to look the way she does at age 45. Sheesh.
• Can I hire a hitman to kill the people adapting Nicholas Sparks books to film? They are ruining our society.
• What do they do with all of the giant Oscar statuettes that are everywhere? Is there a giant "Indiana Jones"-style warehouse somewhere that holds all of this needlessly decadent decoration?
• Helen Mirren clearly made a deal with Satan.. she looks terrific, and she's like 90. Chris Plummer manages to look like a wizard even without a beard - that's tough to pull off.
• Who is Morgan Freeman with? Did he raid UCLA? Is he high? What is going on? He's chomping that gum like it's a whole pack of Nicorette and he's a two-pack a day smoker.
• Who's this prematurely grey gentleman doing interviews? He looks like a homeless man's John McEnroe.
• What is J-Lo doing at the Oscars? Are we letting has-beens maintain A-list status now for no reason? Hell, P-Diddy's been up to more than J-Lo in the past 5 years. Oh wait, J-Lo hosted the worst episode of SNL in years last week. Never mind.
• Sarah Jessica Parker looks like she needs to eat a sandwich. Her cheeks are about as gaunt as they can get.. she looks like Scar, the evil lion from the Lion King. Is she orange? Sexy spray tan Sarah. I feel like it's a massive fraud perpetuated on the American public that Sarah Jessica Parker is attractive.. gross.
• Ouch movie on Cam Diaz. I didn't realize the red carpet had "wrap it up" music too
• Why in the fuck is Chris Cooper in the movie with Claire from Lost and Edward from Twilight? Come on Chris - you're better than that.
• Remind me not to see the Steve Carrell/Tina Fey movie. That just sounds like the most awkward time of all time. Plus PG comedies are lame.
• Miley Cyrus has bad posture. That's it. Oh, and she's wearing one of Madonna's outfits, I wonder if Madonna knows.
• Jeff Bridges is awesome. I want to drink scotch with him. Although, it's impossible to sound masculine while talking about what you're wearing.
• Kate Winslet is a really classy broad. It must be the english accent (or just the fact that she's really hot), but I'm super jealous of Sam Mendes.
• Does the chick from Precious feel weird when Kathy Ireland tells her she's gorgeous? I'd probably slap her. Also, how tall is Kathy Ireland? Didn't she punch some chick in a basketball game last week?
• The werewolf guy from Twilight looks like he could possibly be the last neaderthal or at least some sort of sub-homo sapiens hominoid. I feel like he should be being studied somewhere.
• When Meryl Streep says she looks forward to seeing her friends, does she mean Zac Efron, Taylor Werewolf, or Miley Cyrus?



The Show
• Robin Williams has the same glasses as every guy's "dirty secretary/librarian" fantasy.
• How was anyone surprised when Neil Patrick Harris came out of the closet? Did they decide Alec and Steve were too old to do the song and dance? This whole song and dance routine is a little tired at this point. I get it.
• Whoa, sweet beard on Antonio Banderas.. or Saddam isn't really dead. Either way, sweet beard on that olive-skinned gentleman.
• Meryl Streep should get up on stage and rip on Steve Martin for... every movie he's ever made. .... Alec Baldwin screams like a girl.
• Is Woody Harrelson with a Thai mail order bride?
• ... I think Jay Leno wrote these jokes. I'm not laughing, but then again, I'm not 45. Do you think James Cameron gets pissed off when he sees how hot Kathryn Bigelow is looking nowadays? Clooney didn't seem pleased with the Toyota joke, there must be more going on... How long can this "oh my god there's..." go on? I'll guess we'll find out...
• First award, best supporting actor: If Christoph Waltz doesn't win, I'll listen to my life dubbed by Penelope Cruz's voice for the next calender year. Correction, I'll listen to 2 weeks dubbed and then kill myself. Thumbs up for the longer clips for nominees. It's about the movies, people. Too often the Oscars get caught up in the pretty people and forget about the movies. "The Last Station" confuses me. How are a bunch of Russian people in Russia speaking to each other in English accents? Lame. Stanley Tucci in "The Lovely Bones" laughs like Dr. Evil.. I didn't realize that was an actual acting technique. ... I told you. Christoph Waltz's metaphor got a little strained there, but we'll take it, I suppose. The guy was damn spectacular in Inglorious Basterds.
• We can safely say the only reason Ryan Reynolds will ever be in the building for the Oscar ceremony will be as a presenter. The odds of him winning are identical to those of me banging Neyteiri on Pandora.
• Someone's not excited for the "ipad" at all. And that someone is me. An overpriced amazon kindle/netbook/iphone. Sweet.
• Is Steve Carrell short or is Cam Diaz an Amazon warrior? Is Cameron Diaz stuttering on purpose? Fantastic Mr. Fox is maybe the best Animated film I've ever seen. True story. Ed Asner is either already dead or he was magically raised from the dead by a witchdoctor in the last week. Either way, he died quite some time ago. We call "Up" winning best animated picture a sure sign it's NOT winning Best Picture. Sorry Allister.
• Steve Martin just made my "None of these young people know who he is" joke for me. Touche, sir.
• I LOVE the crazy heart song. I sing it to myself all the time, and don't even know the words, so I just sort of sing it in tongues like a pentecostal church member.
• Good to see Chris "Captain Kirk" Pine could take enough time out of his busy schedule running through A-list tail to make an appearance at the Oscars. Good to see you're well Chris.. might want to get that burning checked out though, I'm not sure how clean the cast of "The Hills" is nowadays.
• Damn that Robert Downey Jr. is a charming son of a bitch. He's cracking me up right now. - Hurt Locker with it's first W, a well-deserved original screenplay Oscar (pending ultimate results of stolen story accusations). Hurt Locker 1 - Avatar 0. Dedicating the Oscar to the troops is a classy move. Speech was short and sweet, he clearly knows his place.
• John Hughes getting a much-deserved tribute from two people who knew him pretty well (to say the least) - Molly Ringwald looking good, even if she's wearing a wig. It's pretty unfortunate that Hughes stopped working - but damn it did he pretty much create a generation.
• Is that a Macaulay Culkin sighting? He's looking an awful lot like Ziggy from "The Wire", and seemed slightly normal, which can't be right.
• They just showed the writer of "Up" with his wife... who is approx. 4X his size.. they must be spiders.
• Zoe Saldana looking... um, very, very hot, even if her dress is on backwards.
• French guy apologizing for his accent. Maybe he's french canadian?
• Why'd the old New Yorker cut off the black guy? First instance of orchestra "wrap it up" music. Ouch.
• I feel sorry for all the "shorts", they just throw them together and get them out of the way - but honestly, who cares?
• Ben Stiller as Na'vi... rocking out 7 hours worth of blue makeup and acting like a spaz. Cameron looked mad, then laughed later. Maybe he had to fart? How is "Precious" not nominated for makeup? They made Gary Coleman look like a high school girl, that's impressive. They just do not stop making British period pieces. My mom is happy about this... no one else is. Trek getting an Oscar. In my mind, it deserved a Best Picture nod, maybe they felt the best pic nominees were already too sci-fi heavy.
• I said it earlier, I really dig the extended looks at the Best Pic nominees.
• What do they do at the Oscars during commercials? Sit around and look at each other? Is the whole thing on delay?
• Rachel McAdams looks like her tits could pop out at any moment. Could they have picked a more potentially stereotypically offensive moment than the "chicken stealing" scene from Precious? If a white person made that scene Al Sharpton would have his ass. Is that Lenny Kravitz? He must be torn between "Precious" and "A Serious Man". Good to see he can take a night off from banging 9's and smoking pot to come out to the Oscars and... wait, what the hell is he doing there? Morgan Freeman is falling asleep evidently, they must be running out of black people to put the camera on, I don't know who half of these people are.
• Tomorrow everyone will say how good Queen Latifah looks. Let me say it now, she looks fat.
• Here's old Robin Spazball Williams with his naughty secretary glasses. "Big" award #2 coming up, Supporting Actress.. No way Monique doesn't win this one. Penelope Cruz can sing in English but not speak? That's weird.. Vera Ferminga looking good. Mature, classy. "Up in the Air" and "Crazy Heart" are both really good. Both are 8+'s.. not sure that BOTH chicks from Up in the Air deserved noms... still say Sigorney Weaver deserved a nom. Yep.. told you.. never would have believed in a million years I'd say "Monique wins an Oscar", but there it is. Heeey, an attorney getting a shout out... rock&roll.
• I need to see "An Education", I love me some Peter Sarsgaard, and find Carey Mulligan to be quite attractive. She fits my "approachably hot" philosophy quite well.
• We're at the halfway point.. I feel like this is going well.. but only time will tell for sure. Um, wasn't that cervical cancer commercial pretty damn odd/intense? Jesus there are some intense commercials out there.
• Art direction... gee, wonder who wins this one. About 99.9999999999999% sure Avatar walks away with basically all technical awards, the film did re-invent film after all. ... Told you. Hurt Locker - 1, Avatar - 1. Speaking of intense... god damn the "I wasn't going to survive" bit.
• Well lets see here, Tom Ford actually designs clothes, Sarah Jessica "I look like a horse" Parker was just on a TV show that encourages women to act like whores, where her character likes clothes. Hm, somethings off. Ah yes, that's why they make period pieces, so they can win best costume design oscars, makes sense. Why is the winner of best costume design wearing a patchwork quilt? Is she taking some sort of stand? Is that a glittery beret pinned sideways? She looks like an uglier Joan from Mad Men. Classy speech though.
• Ok, the Baldwin/Martin "Paranormal Activity" spoof made me lol at least twice.
• Here are the Twilight kids. Lame. Horror doesn't get any respect because 99% of all horror films suck, relying on cheap shock thrills and conventions to generate shock rather than actual tension or suspense. Gore does not = horror. Classy cough, bulldog.
• I don't understand sound editing/mixing at all, so I'm actually rather thankful for Morgan Freeman's explanation. 'preciate it. Hurt Locker - 2, Avatar - 1. Is this guy actually clear? He looks like a Swedish Na'vi. Hurt Locker - 3, Avatar - 1.
• Who is that sitting behind Quentin Tarantino? He looked like Sean Connery in the Rock. And I'm loling at Eli Roth. He looked like a "special" friend let into the ceremony, or Simple Jack. Either way.
• I feel like this Jamie Oliver "Food Revolution" guy might have an easier time if he was actually American.. but maybe that's just me.
• Avatar wins cinematography. Surprise, sur.. who am I kidding. That's not a surprise at all. Hurt Locker - 3, Avatar - 2. Is Stephen "Colonel Quarritch" Lang sitting next to RuPaul?
• Jesus live James Taylor performance. "All My Life" FTW. Classy touch, Oscars. Doesn't James Taylor have like album after album of his own material? Seems a little odd he does a Beatles song, but I do love this song, so I'm not really going to complain. When did Dom Deluise die? I didn't even know he was dead. Seems odd that Swayze was first on the tribute list and Brittany Murphy was like 13th, but hey. Michael Jackson? Did he do anything other than "the Wiz"? What does he have to do with the Academy besides possibly finger banging Macauley Culkin in 1993?
• Sam Worthington CLEANS UP on A-list trim I'm sure - and he looks like he's trying to look like Kanye. Hans Zimmer did the music for Sherlock Holmes? How did I not know that? And yes, obviously, I think the whole dancer thing is weird, frivolous and highly unnecessary. Couldn't we have let the documentary short people have their say and cut down the dancing nonsense? It all makes sense now. If Jeremy Renner and co. would have just interpretively danced their way through the mean streets of Baghdad, that Locker they were in wouldn't have been so hurty. Ok - I like the fantastic mr. fox song a lot, but the dancing is weird. When did odd interpretive dance become so ubiquitous? I cannot escape it, and I would like nothing more than to be able to. How do you first figure out you can spin on your head? Like when's the time when you go, "you know what? i'm going to spin on my head?". "Up" wins, it deserves it, that's a great song.
• Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper now presenting. Combined "number" of sexual conquests is at least 455. 223 for Gerard, 222 for Coop - Gerard is a little older, but Coop's average is higher I'd say. Butler averages a 7.1, Coop a 7.5. Surprise surprise, the scifi flicks represent the effects nominees. Surprise, Avatar wins. Hurt Locker - 3, Avatar - 3. Award recipient says it all, "Avatar is a film about learning to see the world in a new way", and that really says it.
• Ok. I don't want to sound like a girl, but the 15 second clip of "the Cove" made me pretty damn sad. I should watch more Documentaries, truly.
• Here's Tyler "The new face of Blacksploitation" Perry. Another win for the Hurt Locker. That makes Hurt Locker - 4, Avatar - 3 in the battle of the exes.
• Keanu Reeves? What's Neo doing there? His introduction of the Hurt Locker was the best performance his given in years.
• If I had to choose between hearing the world in German and hearing it from Penelope Cruz's mouth, I'd honestly pick Penelope Cruz's voice.. which tells you how much I can't stand the sound of German. I always enjoy the awards where we see how many people we can fit on stage.. always a good time. Ouch, another Orchestra cut-off.
• Avatar presentation now. Waiting to read facebook statuses saying how it looks like a cartoon because they saw 20 seconds of footage on their 20 inch standard def TV, but maybe not.
• Here comes the meat of the show - Best Actor: - The chick who presented the Jeff Bridges bit is really jealous of his wife... it made me kind of sad. - Damn it is George Clooney a charming bastard. - I think it's odd that I find myself very attracted to Julianne Moore... but what can I say, I have a soft spot for redheads. I kind of like these personal presentations, they've been doing it for a couple of years, but I like the touch.. it has to mean a lot to the people involved. - A little Shawshank connection love. - My boy, Colin Farrell, oddly introducing Jeremy Renner while being in "Crazy Heart" with Jeff Bridges. I like the personal presentations, but they should show clips too of all the acting films - there's often not a whole lot of overlap between Best Picture and Best Actor noms. I actually saw all 5 of these films, and I'd rank the performances like so: 5. Clooney, 4. Freeman, 3. Renner, 2. Firth, 1. Bridges. This is absolutely Bridges' award to lose.. the performance of a lifetime. My girl Kate Winslet... and there it is. I called it, Bridges it is. He seems really happy.. good for him, man. That makes me really happy. Good speech out of one of the best actors working today... well deserved. The wife shout-out was great.. she was glowing.
• Best Actress it is... oddly, this is the opposite of Best Actor, I haven't seen any of these. I'm not 100% sure who's going to win this one, (although everyone keeps saying it's Sandy's statuette to lose) so let's see here.. I'm going to repeat it, like the personal presentations, but we need some clips. They could be dispersed throughout the show like the best pic clips are.. just a thought, Oscar. Pretty remarkable story about the "Precious" chick, to be honest. Sean Penn looking straight out of "Reservoir Dogs"... and the winner is: no shock, Sandra Bullock.. pulling her Sandra Bullock act, being all charming and self-deprecating.
• Did the announcer just say "Barber Streisand"? Does she do fades? Barb is showing some cleavage.. I feel like her cleavage is significantly lower than average cleavage. Louder applause for "the Hurt Locker" than "Avatar", not sure what that means. ?uestlove directed Precious? How did I miss that? I feel like this is Bigelow's to lose, but Reitman is the dark horse - well, it'll be Cameron or Bigelow. Kathryn Bigelow looking good, and becoming the first woman to ever win an academy award for directing... jesus, is she 6'5" or is Jeremy Renner short? Yet another Amazon woman. Looking great for her age though (she's 48, according to wikipedia), classy, humble speech.
• Here we are - moment of truth. Will it be Avatar or the Hurt Locker? The biggest movie of all time, or a tiny war movie that 14 people saw? The Hurt Locker it is. It was the Hurt Locker's night. I feel like there aren't enough people on stage. Hurt Locker with 6 Oscars. What a big night for a truly great movie. Honestly, I'm happy for the hurt locker, I loved it, truly, but I'd be lying if I wasn't a little disappointed that Avatar didn't win, but if it had to lose, at least it lost to the Hurt Locker, my #2 movie of the year. I like the consistent shout-outs from the Hurt Locker folks to the troops. Classy.

• So that's the Live Blog, and yes, Kathryn Bigelow is 9' tall. I'm happy for the hurt locker, but honestly, this will be one of those award shows where 10-15 years from now, everyone wonders how the hell "The Hurt Locker" beat out "Avatar". But oh well.