Come in for the real thing.

look at these fucking jokers. random mom: "hey, i'm too lazy to walk but too corny to care that i look like a fucking moron". i hate every single person that is in this picture, and their fucking smug sensibilities. i bet at least $200 that every person in that picture thinks it's not ok to make a joke about 9/11 and speaks in a really really politically correct manner. (that's my litmus test for "cool": whether or not you get offended by lame fucking shit. why would you get offended by something meaningless that someone says? they're just a person and it's not like they're handing down edicts from on high, they aren't fucking Zues)

so in a follow up to the last post, the University of Cincinnati "Police" were hanging out around the law school lawn party last night - and one of them had a fucking Segway. what bullshit. (for those of you that don't know what a Segway is, i wish i was you, and here: http://www.segway.com/) the segway is basically the worst invention of all time, (or at least since the laserdisc) it's a giant, hulking metal fucking scooter that you lean to drive. basically, it's a shittier, slower bike. (not that bikes aren't retard, bikes are like the queens of the lame transportation community, Segways are just the overlord, unquestioned Caesar of the lame transportation realm). but beyond how shitty they are is the ridiculous price. they run like $5 grand. straight up, and they're worthless. anyone under 70 can outrun a Segway, what the fuck is a cop going to use it for? to look at people and take up too much of the sidewalk with a massive slow moving monstrosity? yeah, really non-conspicuous there. the Dodge Chargers are bad enough, the Segway is offensive. basically the UC police decided "fuck it, let's buy a $5,000 shitty electric bike so our officer can move around slower than he could by any other form of vehicular transportation". fuck you UC. i don't care if i end up as the next John Grisham,i'm not giving you a dime for your offensive use of university funds. half of the chairs in the big lecture rooms are broken but you're more concerned about purchasing overpriced and useless techno gadgetry. a pox on you. (i think that's a really shitty thing to say to someone, like, a lot worse than "fuck you", b/c what does that even mean? but wishing "a pox" on someone? that's like an act of bioterrorism if it works out, talk about hardcore.)

so law school has these events where they basically say "hey, you've been paying to get drunk your entire life, here, go get fucked up for the price of, on the house" and really, i don't know how to react or behave. maybe, if i was actually mature or had learned how to drink without just taking beers to the face that would be ok, but me + free drinks = trouble. last night was rage city. (if you don't know, "raging" is the act of, as some would say "kicking it". like, more or less, rage = blacked out, it's kind of like swimming with the dolphins) we partied that fucker down. the ramifications will be felt for weeks, i don't even want to know how many bridges i burned (i hope its in the single digits). there was a period of approx. 1 hour where all i did was walk around and say "come in for the real thing" and give people hugs. guys, girls, pets, children, whoever. they just needed a hug evidently. throw that in with the screaming rendition of Eddie Money's "Take me Home Tonight" (let's find the key and turn this engine on) and you've got a lesson in douchebaggery. i drank probably 10 drinks containing redbull, and that shit will mess you up. i'm staying out of the redbull game for at least all of this week. my heart was pounding, i was up until 5:15, i lost my debit card, couldn't find my car, all kinds of fun and exciting shit. not only did i go to sleep at 5:15, i was up before 11. redbull is like speed, a few weeks of that shit and your hair will fall out. oh, and that's without even considering thursday "double tequilla shots" night. lets just sum up thursday with a few words, 1.) i sang Night Moves karaoke (evidently it was good according to other drunk people) but don't really remember it, 2.) my friend who was driving (and drunk) got pulled over on the way home, which i do not remember, at all, usually the fuzz can kill a good buzz faster than a crazy significant other and 3.) i've been talking to this girl, who said she'd call thursday night, and the next morning i texted her with "i thought you were going to call later", having no recollection of having talked to her for a half hour at 2 AM. awesome alert. needless to say, class on friday went well. i was the model of academic focus and success. i didn't even attempt to make eye contact w/ the prof throughout the class.

next lets talk about losing personal possessions, which i did quite a bit of yesterday. first, aforementioned girl calls me friday, and like 2 seconds after we get off the phone, the screen looks like a bad horror movie, it's doing nothing but flashing white and gray. so i'm thinking... uhhh, ok, take out the battery, and after putting it back in, nothing. phone is just non-responsive. so i'm thinking great, by this time it's 4 PM, free beer starts at 5, and missing free beer is kind of like naming your son "Todd" or "Brad", that is, retarded. i head over to the verizon store, where dude is like "yeah, your phone died, it happens" and proceeds to tell me that basically i lost my contacts and everything b/c it can't be accessed on the now defunct piece of plastic. "yaaay". but, at least it was free. i guess it could be worse. later in the evening, i decide that free alcohol isn't enough for me, i've got to have the shit that you pay actual money for, and it damn well better have redbull in it. so needless to say i open tabs at several establishments, and the 'ol debit card gets lost somewhere along the way. i called around this morning to no avail, it's gone, probably in the hands of "Lieutenant Dan with legs" who frequents the front stoop of Chipotle begging for burritos and "change", who is probably planning the best way to spend the heartbreakingly small balance of my checking account. so, i cancel my card, and they're sending me another one, right? wrong. evidently since i opened up my account in fotown, they've got to send it to my Fostoria address. thanks 5/3rd. great work. way to look out for your customers. i mean, i understand the concern, but you made me answer 85 fucking security questions when i called, i don't think you mailing my card to the house that i live in is an outlandish request. so anyway, we've got to go through more than one mailing session before i have a card. which is great. nice job 5/3rd. something tells me that if i'd made a fucking scene about it they would have made it happen, but i've never been good at that kind of shit, it's just embarrassing. i should have freaked out at verizon and got a better phone b/c it's their fucking fault my old one broke, and i should have freaked out at the 5/3rd douche b/c it's incredibly inconvienient for me to not have a debit card, but nope. AB = pussy. dads and grandpas will freak the fuck out on service employees and get free shit. i just say "thanks" for shit they're supposed to do and get screwed over because of it.

what else? i've been listening the shit out of Beck lately. good times. i'm currently obsessed with "Grandma's Boy", "Superbad", "40 Year Old Virgin" and "Beerfest", and quoting them accordingly. is every single one of those movies retarded? absolutely, but if you can't laugh at stupid shit then go read someone else's blog. Kanye's new shit dropped this week. i'm a big fan of Kanye West productions, he's easily a top 2 producer in hip hop/rap (the other is Just Blaze if you're keeping track at home). if you're interested in shit kanye has produced for other people, check out the "ITunes Essentials Kanye West Productions". the album is solid, not his best, but it has it's moments. i say it's better than "College Dropout" but worse than "Late Registration". but it's 'Ye, so you know it's fun. "Good Life" is easily the most listened to song of the last week. every song is like polished and an actual song on the album, which is a complaint for me, since some of my favorite kanye songs are the screw around ones that will never see the radio, "Home", "Out the Game", "Late". at any rate, he's outselling the shit out of 50, which is awesome, since 50 is fucking horrible, on every level. other than "in the club" which everyone liked back in like '03, there are maybe 2 50 songs i can even stand. he's fucking obnoxious. it's too bad he won't really retire. he needs to go back under whatever fucking rock he crawled out from under and bounce. in the famous words of "Biff" in Back to the Future: "Why don't you make like a tree and get out of here".

oh. go tribe and go bucks, they're easily the best team in the Big 10 right now (unless you count Penn State giving up 24 points to Buffalo and Wisconsin giving up 30 to the fucking CITADEL as signs of a quality team). mark my words, no Pac-10 team not named USC will beat Washington as bad as Ohio state did this season. i wish i could go to an indians game, the stretch run would be great to see.

ok kids, we're coming up on 9 PM, time try to find some boozing to get into. no worries, i have self-imposed limits in place tonight... i'm not surpassing 8 on the 10 point drunk scale. thursday and friday were like 11s. ciao.

Cars on Campus and Friends.

know what is a good time? sand volleyball, i shit you not. it's been... ohh, 4 years-ish since i've partaken prior to last saturday, and i had an absolute blast. the only drawback is the sand that somehow got all over my bedroom.

saw 3:10 to Yuma the other day. and.. loved it. well first, as a prequel, Russell Crowe and Christian Bale are easily 2 of my top 5 actors, and they did not disappoint. in a character-driven film, they both show up and perform immaculately. neither is getting oscar of course, but they still turn in the kind of performances that make me go back to the movies. now, you know i love a good western, and this has a little more to offer than your typical cowboy shoot-em up. there's moral ambiguity (strange territory for a western) here, with Russell Crowe turning in a nuanced performance as a rotten outlaw who has a little bit more to him than your average criminal. a soul, if not neccessarily a conscience. Russ gives his career a much-needed shot in the arm and sets himself up for a big fall (American Gangster drops in November) and you all know i love villains that are definitely 100% rotten but still, you can't quite hate them. (see: Bill the Butcher, Frank Costello) Christian Bale is (as always) great as a rancher with something to prove to his family and himself. and the two starkly different men (Bale's Evans is a family man, quiet and brooding while Crowe's Wade is charming and nihilistic) develop a bond and mutual respect, if not quite a friendship. i thoroughly enjoyed it. just enough action to keep this one exciting, but enough characterization to make this more than your run of the mill western. the film leaves you wanting more and unable to guess what's next. Six Feet Under's Ben Foster is outstanding as Crowe's ultraviolent right-hand man with a crush on his boss, and the acting pulls a slightly above average script into a quality film. definitely work a watch. grade: A-

so i went to the rec today (new thing: don't be fat, i have a new rule, and that is if i'm just sitting around reading away messages and i read an away message that says: "working out", "lifting", "running", or something else of the like, i have to get up and do it. it should work out since i can see the rec from my fucking bedroom window. so here's hoping i turn back the 5 year tide of fatness) and i had to dodge multiple "campus" vehicles, and i realized, wait, this happens like every fucking day. this is a sidewalk, like, pedestrian oriented, why're you driving your fucking white "UC" ford ranger up on me and looking pissed when i don't notice b/c i've got the ipod going? are there not roads all the way around campus? there are just these random campus vehicles running roughshod over all paved surfaces, and it's pretty damn ridiculous. it's sort of like the bicycle concept (you know, don't fucking ride your bike on a sidewalk where people are walking) only times 45. like, if you're alone in a truck, and you want to get from one end of campus to the other, TAKE THE FUCKING ROAD. holy shit, i feel like i'm taking crazy pills. speaking of UC's campus, i've got two other beefs, since i now walk all the way across it on a daily basis. 1.) it's kind of nice when the undergrads aren't there. those little turdburglers fuck everything up with their bumbling about. unfortunately the empty campus only continues until next tuesday, and they'll be sure to make dodging cars even more difficult just by being retarded. that's without even mentioning the bars, aggravating, not that the scenery doesn't improve with the influx of thousands of 18-22 year old women, just that any positive that may arise from the females is offset by the negative effect that vast numbers of 1.) douchebag or 2.)"white but act black" guys have on everything, they generally don't heighten my enjoyment of anything in particular. oh, not to mention that these legions of turdburglers make dodging the "sidewalk highway" exceedingly more difficult, just by pure virtue of their being in the way. 2.) the campus fucking police. they are all over the sidewalks and pedestrian paths of campus as much as any other middle aged campus employee who's only their for the benefits, but they're also glorified security guards who get to stomp around like they own the place. we understand that the school is getting us all in the ass on tuition, but is it really neccessary to shove it in our face with the unneccessarily nice campus police vehicles? everyone knows that cops drive Ford Crown Victorias. not fucking $30,000 Dodge Chargers. that is absurd, offensive, and ridiculous. this is a longstanding beef of mine that dates back to Miami University's use of fucking Chrysler Pacificas(!) for their joke ass "police department". great job guys, you definitely need top of the line vehicles for busting all those drunk kids. what happens when a real crime occurs? nothing, they tell you to call the city police. i had a playstation 2 stolen out of my dorm room way back when, and what did they do? fucking nothing. "you know who might have done this?" - no, i fucking don't, that's why i called you, if i know who did it i'd have it fucking back already. jesus christ. go work at a mall or something and stop acting official. "campus police". psh. i wish they'd all get in an action movie-style 30 car explosive pileup and destroy all of their lavish vehicles. oh wait, that'd never happen b/c they DON'T SOLVE REAL CRIMES. yaaay for efficient use of university funds.

oh, so on friends. i've been thinking about friends lately, how someone you don't know one day can become like a family member in the not-so-distant future. it's fascinating really. and it made me think, who're my friends? like really, how'd i meet them and how'd we come to be close? and it made me realize, like every friend i have is someone i was forced into a close situation with. i either 1.) went to high/middle school with them, 2.) lived in the dorm/house with them, 3.) partied with them, 4.) worked with them, or 5.) had a bunch of law school classes together. so i mean, you can't pick who does any of that shit with you really, they're for the most part random assignments. especially shit like dorms, high school, whatever. which leads me to the conclusion that anyone can be friends with anyone if they're just together all the time. i mean, if that is the case, then why does everyone make such a big fucking deal out of making themselves fit into some cubbyholed definition of who they are and what they're all about? sure, i share some interests with most of my friends, but i don't really share all of my interests with any of them. (i have friends that i talk to about movies, friends that i talk to about sports, friends that i just shoot the shit with, i mean, it's all over the place) it more just goes down to who's fun to talk to and hang out with. and it doesn't matter what you wear, who you hang out with, what band/movies you like or what your "type" is. what matters is if you get along with the other person. but who knows. maybe other people don't agree with me and i'm just lucky in that regard. but it seems like random pairings of people almost always result in longlasting friendships, and i think that's a good thing for humanity as a whole. call me lame if you want. if i'd lived in a different dorm freshman year i would have ended up with a completely different group of friends throughout college. if i'd been assigned to a different law school section and had classes with different people, i'd have a completely different group of friends now at law school. if i'd not played football in HS i'd have a completely different group of friends from High School. it just seems that what really matters as far as who you get along with/count as a friend is not some preconceived notion of who you are, but common experiences. and sure, you can pick people out from a crowd that you think MIGHT have common experiences with you, but that's not much better than just a shot in the dark. so i guess what i'm saying is, fuck cliques, give people a chance, you never know. i really believe that a solid % of people are at least somewhat passably cool. if i had a $ for everytime that i had a conversation with someone that i thought "oh shit, here comes so and so" but then realized that they're actually kind of cool, i'd have enough money to buy something maybe kind of nice, ha.

maybe stranger than the process of gaining friends is the process of losing friends. that's always seemed really strange to me. i will say this, i've never personally stopped being friends with someone b/c of a fight/argument. people have done so with me, but really, what's the point of taking something meaningless so seriously? the people that just drop people over a stupid argument that they were formally close with blows my mind. so i'm not talking about that. i'm talking about the gradual process that starts with the "i'm busy, i'll call him back later" involves into "damn, i wonder what he's been up to" and culminates in an awkward greeting the next time you run into them and a realization that you really aren't friends anymore. it's sad and strange to me how something that wasn't intentional to start with can completely end a friendship that maybe was once important to you. hm. i wonder.

well, that's all i've got for tonight folks. i don't think that post was very good. but oh well, it worked for me. sorry if it didn't make sense.

Songs.

i just realized how much i love the black background on this site. that kicks ass, white screens are killer on my eyes. i want my word page to be black w/ white font.

so i just deleted everything on my ipod and decided to start over. it's pretty fun, i try to do it rather regularly (i've got the 2 gig nano which is now of course completely obsolete but it only holds like 400 songs, so i've got to basically delete songs when i want to put new ones on and sometimes just start all over.) and in looking at the 17 gigs of music on this poor, abused computer (somehow i've had the same desktop since i started college, which is like a miracle in and of itself, it's got the same status as some old guy's '71 ford truck at this point, if it was a car, it'd have like 170,000 miles on it.) and trying to whittle it down to the 400 or so songs that i want to have available to me on my daily walks to and from the law school and during work outs, however rare they may happen to be. (that is a separate though equally fascinating topic, how it came to be that i cannot work out without my ipod, last week i came home from school with the intention of changing and going to the Rec, but found that my ipod had been playing in my bookbag all day and thus was out of battery. needless to say, i did not go to the Rec. it's odd. i've only had the thing for like 3 years and it's a severe addiction.) so basically for the last hour or so i've just been scrolling down my list of music and adding whatever suits my fancy. some new shit, some old shit, some corny shit, whatever. which got me thinking... what are my favorite songs of all time? like, if i could listen to a small group of songs exclusively for the rest of forever, what would they be? so i'm going to give you a list. i'll title it "AB's 10 desert island songs", the 10 songs i would listen to if they were the only things i could listen to if i was isolated in complete seclusion. it's going to be a grab bag, so prepare yourself.

"AB's 10 desert island songs", in no particular order of preference, since i prefer random/shuffle (even though random is never actually that random) anyway.

1. "Narcolepsy", Third Eye Blind.
I have a strange love for corny 90's music. the 90's were almost worse than the 80's in a lot of ways, particularly in how serious everyone was taking themselves. like, duran duran was gay, but i'm at least 70% sure they were fucking around. what's limp bizkit's excuse? Anyway, I've probably listened to "Narcolepsy" at least 500 times, and i still fucking love it. if any karaoke place actually had it, i'd jam the shit out of it. I just started listening to it again, and it's like an old friend, i fucking love it. I can totally feel this narcolepsy slide into another nightmare. no shit, and i mean, i do read dead russian authors volumes at a time, and there is a bone in my hand that connects to a drink in a crowded room where the glasses clink. so how' you like to be alone and drowning? i fucking wouldn't. but i'd def. see third eye blind if i could get like 2 or 3 fun people to go with me, and enjoy the shit out of it.

2. "Let's Stay Together", the Reverend Al Green.
My love for this song started when i started loving Pulp Fiction (you know, it's playing in the nightclub when Marcellus is telling Butch about pride: "that's pride fuckin' wit chu... pride never helps. it only hurts") in ohh... 2000 or so. like... Let's Stay Together is just a fucking jam. and i don't know, forgive me for sounding completely lame, but that's what love is to me. "Let's Stay Together", whether times are good or bad, happy or sad. i hope someday i've got someone that i actually, legitimately feel that way about - "being around you is all i see". i'll rock the shit out of this one karaoke too. and there's a sight, a fat hairy white guy jamming to the reverend. "you make me feel so brand new", that's such a fucking great line. damn Al, i want someone to make me feel brand new. i could put this shit on repeat and probably tear up a little bit.

3. "Gimme Shelter", the Rolling Stones.
This is, in my opinion, the greatest song ever written. what a fucking jam. i've never heard anything even in the same genre. i've loved this song since the first time i heard it, and then after it was the theme to the opening montage of "The Departed"? "I don't want to be a product of my environment... I want my environment to be a product of me". holy shit. i get the chills. "rape, murder, it's just a shot away". what does that mean? no one knows. but it's fucking sweet. "love sister, it's just a kiss away", and isn't that the truth. i close my eyes, put this on, and i'm taken somewhere else.

4. "Night Moves", Bob Seger.
Maybe my favorite song of all time. i love every single thing about this song, it's so poignant. this song just gets the nostalgia going. and i'm a sucker for nostalgia. i feel like it represents quintissential Americana. "ain't it funny how the night moves when you just don't seem to have as much to lose? strange how the night moves with autumn closin' in."
i could be in the fucking himalayas and i'd hear "night moves" and it'd take me back to a case of natty, an awkward girl, a friend's basement and a backseat in good old Fostoria Ohio (or the surrounding country roads, but who's keeping track). we were workin. workin and practicin.

5. "#41", The Dave Matthews Band.
There was a point in my life when i was a monster fucking DMB fan , i think i've seen them 14 times, either 13 or 14, and i dunno, Dave and i have had a falling out. but i still love those first 4 albums (Remember Two Things, Under the Table and Dreaming, Crash and Before These Crowded Streets) and i'd hope that i'll love them for the rest of my life. this has been my favorite dave matthews band song since i bought "Crash" from the fucking BMG cd club in like '97 and you just can't turn that off. who knows how many times i've listened to any one of a myriad of versions, live, acoustic, whatever, and a particularly good version will tear me right up (the best version is on Listener Supported Disc 1). be gentle with it. is it long? hell yes. but worth every minute. i don't think i've ever fast forwarded through that 6 minute instrumental at the end of the Listener Supported version, and that's saying something. "I will go in this way and find my own way out I won't tell you to stay but I'm coming to much more me all at once the ghosts come back reeling in you now what if they came down crushing remember when I used to play for all of the loneliness that nobody notices now I'm begging slow I'm coming here only waiting I wanted to stay I wanted to play, I wanted to love you." i'll always have #41.

ok, let's switch directions some.
6. "Notorious Thugs" - The Notorios B.I.G. and Bone Thugs & Harmony.
Is and has been my favorite rap song of all time. Is it hard? absolutely. i just love Biggie's verse. who knows, I played football at Fostoria after all. this is my jam and has been for a long time. Biggie's verse is the greatest moment in rap history. i really believe that. "armed and dangerous, ain't too many can bang with us, straight up weed no angeldust, label us, notorious"
awesome alert. straight up. this song reminds me of sitting either A.) in the filthy fucking locker room at fostoria memorial stadium or B.) in Haman/AG's house playing asshole and acting like drunk assholes ("asshole, fuck you for making me drink last game, drink 34" "Brenner, drink 40, don't be a dick" -- soon to be followed by a near physical altercation over the excessive number of drinks that are being handed out and probably some driving). good times either way. those memories alone would get me through a solid month.

7. "Year of tha Boomerang" - Rage Against the Machine.
If you weren't into Evil Empire in 8th grade/high school and you're between 20-25 years old, you're probably a chick. I've been a huge Rage fan since i got into music in junior high, and really i could have picked any of 6 or 7 Rage songs that would have fit the bill. but "Year of tha Boomerang" just fucking rocks. "Swimming in half truths, makes me wanna spit" "Now it's upon you". on second thought, maybe this song isn't the best idea for a desert island, but i still effing love it. written in response to the writings of Franz Fanton, an Algerian revolutionary, who claimed the "year of the boomerang" would be the day when the former colonies of the west would come to dominate the globe. who knows about all of that, but the song captures that pretty well. plus, i mean, tom morello is the shit. i still resent Mike D of the douchebag Beastie Boys for getting hit by a car while riding his bike like he's fucking 6 and causing the June 2000 show at the Polaris ampetheater and joint tour to be indefinitely postponed and subsequently cancelled when rage broke up in the interim. so sadly, mr. brenner never got to see rage, hopefully this little reunion turns into a new album and national tour. lord knows we need rage now more than ever.

8. "In the Evening" - Led Zeppelin.
In college i was a huge fucking Led Zeppelin fan (i've got the poster when Robert Plant is doing his best Senator Craig impression and looking for some random guy ass, see here: http://www.allposters.com/gallery.asp?startat=/getposter.asp&APNum=1107482&CID=21B14F75B3AC4DBE99B956767667978D&PPID=1&search=led%20zeppelin&f=c&FindID=13946&P=1&PP=3&sortby=PD&cname=Led+Zeppelin&SearchID=), and this has been my favorite Led Zep song since i purchased the DVD set back in High School and saw how effing badass Jimmy is on this fucking song. i think it's my favorite riff/solo in classic rock history. In the Evening, In Through the Out Door. check it, if you're disappointed, go read someone else's blog.

9. "If I had $1,000,000" - The Barenaked Ladies.
My all time karaoke favorite. only if a certain Mr. Alex Grine is there to hold down the lower part though of course, it is a duet after all. there's not really anything deep or meaningful to this track, it's just a fun, silly, cute little track and it's a lot of fun to sing, honestly. plus, memories of good times.

10. "Jessica" - Graham Colton
The acoustic version of this song kicks ass as well. I suppose the real reason I love this song is that i dated a girl named jessica for oh... a long fucking time. and basically 50% of that time was us either breaking up, being broken up, or me wanting to break up with her. so i mean, a song about getting over a girl named jessica who liked to play games sure as hell worked for me. it doesn't hurt that it's a decent little song either. well, anyway, i love this song. "so you've got all the answers to the questions your heart asks, what you won't say won't hurt you, now it's coming on to fast, you're the one i can't figure out, and i'm the one you can't forget, and do you think love's the reason that i'm still spinning in your head?" that's a great fucking lyric. and it really got me through some tough times. "starting over without you, you're the first thing in my past" -- "jessica, your world's not worth saving, if you don't finish what you start, it's the hardest thing to let you go, but i'm leaving tonight, you're just someone i used to know, goodbye". wow, i'm tearing up a little just listening to it again. yeah, i love this song, i could listen to it forever. it just seems so damn relevent to my life, then, and now.

Honorable Mentions: "Takeover" - Jay-Z, "Babylon II" - David Gray, "Crush" - DMB, "Heart of Gold" - Neil Young, "The First Cut is the Deepest" - Cat Stevens, "I Found a Reason" - Cat Power, "Thunderstruck" - AC/DC, "Panic In Detroit" and "Queen Bitch" - David Bowie, "Now We Are Free" - Gladiator score, "Comfortably Numb" - Pink Floyd, "Bargain" - The Who, "Bullet the Blue Sky" - U2, "Out The Game" - Kanye West, "Mr. November" - The National (seriously).

so that's all i've got. don't hate, participate. wow, i've been doing this for way too fucking long. enjoy.

Daddy's back in the blog game.

whore. she tried to ruin 2 of the better recent films with her horrible over acting, and fucked billy bob thornton. a lot. that instantly drops you 3 points in the 10 point scale, i heavily favor consideration of prior sexual partners in determination of your outright physical attractiveness.

looks really cool in a really cool fucking movie. haters, back away.

(preface: i'm in a really, really weird mood tonight, so i apologize if this blog appears to have been written by Miss Teen South Carolina, who is hopefully in the hospital getting her stomach pumped tonight after servicing Clemson's entire football team as punishment from the fates)

so here i am. i've been talking about starting a new blog for months, i figured tonight's as good a time as any, so here goes. i haven't posted on a blog of any sort in months, so forgive me if i seem a little rusty. i'm probably not in the best mood to be posting at any rate, but you know what i always say, no guts no glory (to hell with it if that phrase usually proceeds a shot of tequilla, it's generally applicable). i have a goal for this blog, and that's to not capitalize anything or divide the posts up into paragraphs, so only dedicated readers can delineate what the shit is going on. (sub-topic: i am here advocating the replacement of "what the fuck" with "what the shit", i feel like "what the shit" is more effective at conveying what needs to be said because of the lack of meaning assigned to the word "fuck" anymore, it's the most commonly used word in many an individual's vocabulary, "shit" has almost become more dirty and taboo just by virtue of it's relative non-use) why would someone purposefully alienate the majority of their readership? call it an adventure in obnoxiousness, a term that i feel like most high school teachers would circle in red pen were it used, although its use should be encouraged, "being obnoxious" is far inferior as a means of conveying what i'm actually attempting to accomplish. what's new with me you ask? well, another school year is upon us. what is this now? number 18? 12 + 4 +2, it would be number 18 indeed. pretty overwhelming when you think of it that way... i'll be 24 in a month, and 75% of my time on this earth has been spent either in school or ready to return to school. was it well spent? i hope so, but who really knows at this point. i kind of feel like a waste of space, all i'm really doing is ensuring that i'll be broke for a few more years (and that's completely ignoring the thousands of dollars in debt that i've accumulated over the last year plus). do i want to be a lawyer? maybe. probably, why not. if someone asked me "if you had all the money in the world what job would you do" i'd choose: Eric from entourage (i know more about movies than he does and i'm at least 48X LESS of a gigantic douche, and have you seen how hot the chicks he gets with are? the dude is 5'3 135), jacques cousteau/steve zissou and an astronaut, but that's neither here nor there. being a lawyer probably isn't so bad, if you can keep your soul and not completely sell out to the relentless machine that is american consumerism. i still really think i want to be an astronaut, but i think it's a little late for that career path, unless i pull a Christa McAuliffe and get a sympathy bid i suppose, although that didn't end too well for her, so maybe we'll just scratch that proposal. the nfl starts thursday, which i am unbelieveably stoked about, even if the Bills are going to suck ass this year, i've become a fan of the entire nfl in my old age... like, if it was socially acceptable for me to do so, i would wear one of those jackets with all the teams on it, i just feel like i wouldn't be able to get away with it, kind of like how i couldn't rock a Bob Sanders/Bart Scott jersey no batter how badly i want to. so you know what would be an awesome song if it wasn't irretrievably and forever linked with chevy trucks? "like a rock" by none other than bobby rock. if you can listen to it and not be subconsciously overwhelmed with images of tight kmart bought wrangler jeans and tacky cowboy hats while generic underwear models moonlighting as "cowboys" carry on stereotypically "country" activities like throwing hay into the cab and hauling rocks, activities which i'm sure chevy trucks accomplish to a much greater degree than its immediate competitors, you'll find a pretty awesome fucking song, right up there with his other midwest jams. the midwest springsteen, that bobby rock, generally extremely underrated and underappreciated as an artist, a sad state of affairs, i've got 2 or 3 bobby rock jams that i feel like i could bust out if i was ever in a "superbad"-esque jam and forced to sing on threat of death by angry cokeheads. so i'm 23, fat, and single. which is unfortunate, b/c to be honest, i'm in the mood for a steady-esque (at least somewhat regular) bed companion, and there was a period of time in the not so distant past when i thought maybe that was going to be a definite possibility, but like so much in this life, it was not meant to be. now here i am. back to square one so to speak. to be completely cheesy and quote one of my favorite shitty 90's bands: "i've never felt so alone, and i've... never felt so alive". but here's my conondrum folks, let me tell you, 23, fat, and single is no way to be. which gives me several options, either transport myself into the universe that sustains the movie "superbad" so that i can hook up with gorgeous chicks despite my obvious weight problem (which, i must say, is much less obvious than mr. jonah hill's) there's jonah's sexy face right up there. another option is to lose weight, which honestly, i'm not sure if i'm up for at this point. that's a lot of work without the aid of FDA-prohibited diet supplements and honestly, i'm enjoying the solid 5,000 calorie/day diet i've been cruising on for the past several years. so what else? get a girlfriend you say? easier said than done my friend. i've managed to basically burn all bridges to my past, so my options are more or less limited, and very much so (date a law school girl you say? psh, i'll post about law school goggles at a later date). also, law school isn't exactly conducive to healthy relationship building, you tend to get busy at inoportune times and cranky for no reason in particular, in addition, shit you think is hilarious your partner will more likely than not have no idea what the shit you're talking about. so i'm not sure what the remedy is, if you've got a plan, let me know, i'm all about advise. oh, and if one girl comments and says "you aren't fat", i don't want to fucking hear it. i know i get exceedingly less ass than i did approx. 3-4 years ago when i weighed approx. 40-50 lbs less than i do today, so cut the shit. i think if i had telepathy i wouldn't have such bad luck with women. like, if they could hear what i'm thinking instead of saying, it'd work out much more to my advantage. but you know what they say, money and women are the two things that when you've got 'em you've got too much but when you don't have them you can't get them for the life of you, well here i am, with no women and no money... yowza. daddy's not in good shape. so the "back to the future" trilogy has been on hbo pretty steadily here as of late, and just let me say, for a set of movies that is 1.) as widely beloved and 2.) as highly regarded as the "back to the future" trilogy, there are a lot of huge fucking holes in what they're trying to accomplish there. 1.) doc is always talking about threatening the space time continuum and not wanting to know about his future but he's talking to someone who came from 1985 in 1955, doesn't doc's knowledge that his pursuit of the time machine technology will be successful push up the date of its completion? why does 1985 doc have no knowledge of seeing marty in 1955 before the first time marty goes back into the past, and if he doesn't have it b/c the space time continuum is changed once marty gets back to 1955, whats the big fucking deal? it's already screwed up. also, in bttf 2, marty watches marty playing the guitar. that's not fucking possible, all time machine discussion aside. also, if marty got his parents together in 1955 and they presumably name their child after this helpful stranger, why do they name their third child marty? wouldn't you think that if that name was considered suitable for a child, it'd be the first born given marty's important role in their marriage? finally, what the fuck is that colored coal that doc puts in the locomotive in the third installment and how is it supposed to make a 1885 train reach 88 miles per hour? i'm pretty sure that they make coal powered train engines today that could reach 88. the problem isn't how hot/fast coal burns, coal burns pretty fucking fast, it's how efficiently the engine transfers the power into motion. and in 1885 they weren't very good at it. if you're still reading i'm impressed. so ok, i'm going to finish with a list of my underappreciated movies. films that i love that just don't get that much love from society at large, which is upsetting to say the least: 1.) "Any Given Sunday", in my opinion the best football movie of all time, due in large part to its cast, is it over the top? of course. but it still accurately conveys locker-room dynamics and a basic knowledge of sport, which many more cartoony football adaptations fail to do. (i'm talking about you "the Program" and "Varsity Blues"). 2. "Grandma's Boy", Grandma's boy is every bit as funny as the more widely critically acclaimed comedies of mr. apatow, but it's guilty of association with Mr. Sandler, who of course is held in much less acclaim than anyone associated with Judd "Freaks and Geeks" Apatow, the current wunderkid of critics and elitists alike. don't get me wrong, i love Anchorman, 40 year old virgin, knocked up and superbad as much as the next guy, but Grandma's Boy is funnier than knocked up and in the same class as all of the rest. this is despite Paul Rudd's DeNiro impression, which is immaculate. shit, i capitalized a bunch of shit back there, oh well, it was a worthy effort and i'm just on a roll now. 3. Alexander. ok, ok, i know i'm defending a movie that 90% of the people that saw it hated, but seriously, give it another chance. watch the director's cut or the revisited version, you won't be disappointed. (is Angelina Jolie obnoxious? of course, she overacts the shit out of every role she's ever had, and damn near ruins "The Good Shepperd" but let's not hold it against Alexander that Angelina chose to use the same accent as Rodrigo "Paulo"/"the brazillian tom cruise" Santoro's Xerxes) what's the major complaint about Alexander? that Oliver Stone had the gall to depict him as having homosexual tendencies? i mean come on, if we know for certain that any historical figure was at least bisexual (which isn't fair given that the greeks had no concept of homo and hetero sexuality, kind of like American women in 2007), that figure is Alexander. the contemporary quotations are nearly proof-positive. macedonian nobles about court called phillip the one eye's young son alexander the "princess of macedonia", and a contemporary stated "the only foe to ever conquer alexander was hephastion's thighs". his effeminate demeanor and penchant for homosexual relations were so well known as to be common knowledge, it in no way demeans his stature as a warrior, general or a historical figure. the movie is great. give it another chance. 4. Miami Vice... do i have a man crush on Colin Farrel you ask? not really, but he does look really fucking cool in Miami Vice, you can't deny that. plus miami vice is a really cool looking, really smooth, adult movie. they don't make too many films whose target audience is older than 25 that don't star diane lane. kudos to Michael Mann, one of my favorite filmmakers (and he's producing the Kingdom, which not only stars Jamie Foxx and uses the best U2 song of all time in the trailer (bullet the blue sky if you're keeping track at home) but also releases in 3 weeks). anyway, miami vice didn't get a lot of love, but i've watched it like 4 times and i love it every time. also, the entourage finale was fucking retarded. this season was pretty weak. drama did awesome shit, which i love, since drama is my hero, but it just gets more and more ridiculous weekly, season 1 and 2 of entourage it doesn't get any better than... but i feel like it's on a slow, regrettable and perhaps inevitable decline. c'est la vie. no good thing lasts they say. well, that's it for tonight folks. if you actually read the whole thing... you're awesome as a person. feel free to comment. i'm back, i'll try and post at least once a week. if you know me you know i'm always interested in finding effective methods of procrastination. i bid you adieu. 3:10 to Yuma drops on friday, go see it if you know what's good for you, Christian Bale + Russell Crowe (as the bad guy!) + R-rated Western = cannot fail, or come see it with me, what the hell.

AB