The Brenner Bag II
J.D.: The political junkie in me wants you to do something on the senate bill 5 referendum...
Well - I have mixed feelings on it. Obviously the referendum failed, which is undoubtedly a good thing, and I don't know that it was ever really in doubt. Here's the mistake the Republicans are making right now, and they're the same mistakes the Dems are going to make the next time they cruise to huge victories: they mistake victory with a mandate. In a two-party system it's not like there are a lot of choices. 99% of the time when one side wins it's because the other side has spent the last __ years screwing up. The vast majority of the country doesn't care about the rhetoric and mostly nonsensical concepts being thrown around in party conventions, they just want to live their lives in as much comfort as possible. The party that realizes this first will have the most long-term success. Kasich mistook his victory for an approval of his policies.. which was a huge mistake. Ohio is a blue collar state, built on the auto and steel industries. Whatever the problems with public unions (of which there are many), Ohio isn't going to strike a blow against middle class workers, not in a time of relative hardship. You may be asking what the problems are with public unions - well, first, the fundamental reason for unions existing is to force a higher % of business revenue to flow to employees at the expense of management. In the case of public employees, "management" is the state, so you're costing taxpayers money. Also, when you strike you aren't hurting a businessowner, you're hurting the taxpayers and society. Add to this two other things. One, that Government employees already have additional administrative and Constitutional protections not afforded to private employees in the absence of unions. Two is the fundamental flaw of all Unions, that in the absence of a perfect way of assessing employee performance they protect seniority above all, ensuring that older employees are the highest paid, which then provides incentive for older employees to stay on in order to earn as much money as possible. Older employees making the most money does two things: 1.) makes your organization less productive, 2.) cuts manpower, because a glut of older, high paid employees represent a greater cost than a greater number of younger, low paid employees would. In jobs like Police and Fire Fighter that are tailored to young people in many respects, this becomes a problem. BUT THAT ALL GOT TOO SERIOUS. I have cops and teachers in my family so I'm glad it passed, especially because Kasich is a twit, but there are problems with the Public Union system that will need to be addressed sooner rather than later.
R.L. Discuss the pros and cons of compelling professional referees and officials to conduct press conferences after games.
Well, I'm torn on this one, because officials do sometimes have an outsized impact on the events they're officiating and are not held responsible in the way other participants are, but at the same time, they're human beings. Human beings who happen to do their jobs exceptionally well, to the extent that they aren't noticeable 99% of the time. Now, if you happened to catch my State of Sports post, you know that I'm bitter about ESPN's turd in punch bowl effect on the whole sporting endeavor. Well, given that, and the resulting seriousness with which everyone takes sports nowadays, subjecting officials to press conferences would only fan the fires. Officials are humans, humans make mistakes. We need to stop pretending that games designed for children are science. I blame betting and 24/7 coverage. That being said, a shit ref will make me want to punch the earth.. but your average mouth-breather running around 12 beers deep on gameday can't handle the responsibility of understanding that people aren't perfect, and that just might impact the outcome of a game every now and again.
N.D. If Brady Hoke was a hot dog, would he eat himself?
Does anyone else smell frosting? Brady Hoke is the worst, seriously the worst. He would absolutely eat himself, probably when his stomach started growling at 10:02 AM on the first day after his hotdog transformation took place, the glutton. There has been a precipitous drop in the number of Chinese buffets in the Ann Arbor/Ypsilanti area since he rolled into town. They operate on a business model that simply doesn't account for one man consuming 3 entire trays of sweet and sour chicken. Mmm.. breading. But here's all you need to know about Brady Hoke that makes him the worst: like everything better than mediocre to have ever come from M*chigan, he's from Ohio (Charles Woodson, Desmond Howard, Bo Schembechler.. I could go on, believe me). He's from the Dayton area and attended Ball St. University. M*chigan was his 5th assistant coaching job, starting in 1995 (in his 13th year of coaching..)... and yet somehow he's a M*chigan man. He also claims that he grew up rooting for M*chigan in the Woody Hayes era in Dayton, Ohio. Approximately 80 miles from Columbus and more than 200 from Ann Arbor. If that's true.. he's a piece of shit. People that grew up in Ohio and root for M*chigan come in 3 colors.. only one of these colors doesn't result in you being a scumbag. If you have a legitimate connection to scUM, fine. The other two are contrarian douches and people who were front running in the 90's when M*chigan owned the rivalry. Both unacceptable breeds of humanity. Root for old money douches, but recognize that you're the worst. If you're just a regular Ohioan who never attended scUM, what the shit are you doing rooting for M*chigan? That's a lot like rooting for China in the Olympics. Here's why you shouldn't root for M*chigan: 1.) the school is made up of old money establishment pricks who drive luxury cars, are subtly racist and are absolutely elitist. 2.) You aren't from the state of Michigan. If you're going to be contrarian just b/c you're the kind of kid who HAS to be different, like a school that's not full of assholes in boat shoes. Michigan State, Cincinnati, Penn State are (well, were) all options. 3.) You're FROM OHIO. Ohioans have things like pride and loyalty which is what separates us from bullshit locales like everywhere on the East Coast and M*chigan. There are many levels of contrarianism that stop well short of outright treachery. To make a long story short, if your name is Brady Hoke and your BMI and blood pressure cause the team of medical professionals somehow keeping your blood from instantly turning to the consistency of refridgerated maple syrup to recommend immediate hospitalization at every checkup, you grew up in the Dayton area and your dad PLAYED FOR WOODY HAYES and you rooted for Michigan? That tells me everything I need to know about you. Other than you probably snore very loudly and have to wear a back brace around the house, you're a disloyal piece of shit. Modern-day torrie. He should be tarred and feathered and run out of town on a rail. R.L. Could one modern American Marine Expeditionary Unit (2200 men) defeat the Roman Empire during the reign of Augustus? They're all geared up. But think of them as time travelers. So no satellites (i.e. no GPS) and some reasonable limit on the amount of ammunition and fuel.
This one required some research (), but my answer is an unequivocal and resounding "YES", and here's why. A Marine EU includes an amphibious assault ship, a helicopter squadron, and multiple armored vehicles, including tanks. The only challenge woulde be: could the American force reach Rome before they ran out of resources? Obviously, military equipment requires a LOT of fuel, so your tanks and armored vehicles are only going to be good for a limited period of time. Honestly, they'd probably be more valuable as stationary firing platforms and the limited fuel could be used for more fuel efficient vehicles like humvees. It honestly wouldn't matter if you were in a tank or a jeep, the Romans would have no counter for a metal vehicle. Here are my top 3 reasons that the American Marine Corps force wins and winds up installing their Colonel as Augustus: 1.) firearms and high explosives. At the first battle, the Romans would be unaware of the American technological superiority and line up in their traditional battle formations only to be utterly wiped out. So the question would be: how devastating would this defeat be? Would the Romans be so shaken by the utter destruction of their front line forces that they'd be unable to recover? The size of the Roman empire at the time of Augustus (27 BC-14 AD) is known to have been between 25-30 legions at any given time. A legion consisted of 5,000 Roman citizen soldiers, with a comparable number of auxiliaries (light troops and supporting personnel). So total, we're talking about an empire-wide fighting force of effectively 125-150,000 men. However, one must remember that we're talking about an empire that stretches from Germany to Spain to Egypt to Syria, and the Legions were stationed at garrisons along the borders, so the Romans were never sending the entirety of their military into battle at any given time. Forces of 5-10 legions would join for extended campaigns, either to subdue border threats or aggressively conquer more territory. So we can realistically say that the Romans mustering a force of 20-30,000 men for the initial confrontation is well within reason. At this early stage, the Marine EU would still have fuel, aircraft and missiles at their disposal, and would completely slaughter the initial Roman force. One must note several things about ancient combat: 1.) they almost never fought to the last man. What happened typically is one side would gain the upper hand and the other would rout and flee the field, resulting in far more troops taken prisoner than actually killed - it's hard to kill tens of thousands of men with swords and spears after all. 2.) The armies tended to be entirely dependent on their commander - kill or capture the General/Counsul/Emperor, and the army falls into disarray. 3.) Everyone hates everyone. The Romans were respected because of their strength. With defeat would have come uprising and the Americans would have found thousands of new allies as groups opposed to Rome sought to regain their sovereignty. With that being said, the most likely scenario is this: 1.) Marines crush initial Roman army, driving the Romans into disarray. 2.) While the Romans regroup, adjusting their tactics (abandoning battle lines, etc), the Marines make a mad dash for Rome while they still have ammunition and fuel remaining. 3.) Marines reach and take Rome, capturing the Emperor and command structure and effectively decapitating the Roman state. 4.) Marines use their armaments to turn the fields outside of Rome into a killing ground for any army bold enough to approach, and instill their Colonel as Emperor. 5.) Romans, respecting strength and prowess, accept the new status quo.
- So long story short, yes, a Marine EU could defeat Rome. History has shown us that small numbers of technologically superior troops (Conquistators are the best example) can crush vastly numerically superior troops by means of their improved tactics and technology. This situation would be no different.
L.H. I want an Adam Benner "c'mon man" circa R Bar christmas 2008
This is a Fotown inside joke - biggest "C'mon man" on the planet right now has to go out to Joe Paterno. Joe, we all know you're 900 years old and you're defending a grail somewhere as your eternal duty, but c'mon man.. you're embarrassing. You've been "coaching" by sitting in a press box WITH NO HEADSET ON for the past 3 years and letting a known diddler hang out in your facilities? The only way you can save face, Joe, is by letting the world know that you're old as shit and have no idea what's going on. C'mon, Joe. And Gaert Hansen.
You are given access to a very limited time machine. It can take you to any place in the world of your choosing but you will arrive at 12am on Sept 11 2001.
What do you do to stop 9/11? Do you even do anything? Assume that your life is in jeopardy, that is to say risks taken in 2001 will have consequences when you jump back to the present (which will occur at 12am on 9/12/2001). In fact all of your actions will have consequences in 2011, you will return to a world that is different depending on what actions you've taken (except no one will know if you choose to do nothing or know if you privately attempt to head off some hijackers, etc.) Can you convince the then-lazy Feds to listen to you? How? Please also take care to evaluate the in-the-moment consequences of your actions i.e. if you somehow stop the planes in NY there is a greater likelihood the PA plane makes it to DC, etc. The only caveat is you may not interact with your 2001 self. No words of advice, bet large the Sox to win the WS after game 5 of the ALCS in 2004. Lay 10k on Barack Obama becoming president in early 06, don't put your junk in many of the places you did, etc. No Back to the Future 2 action. Your options are limited to choosing to try and stop 9/11, choosing to not interfere with fate, or choosing to head back for a 12 hour vacation on the worst day in most of our lifetimes. Note, Scarjo was already famous for Ghost World, you still wouldn't have a chance. She was also 17. All kinds of reasons for not bothering to use the time machine for Scarjo-related pursuits.
Let's assume a budget of 2k and a 2001-technology working cell phone for your endeavors.
The world is counting on you.
Sincerely,
JJ Baybrams (the lovechild who would make this story into a film)
Here's my plan: now, keep in mind, I don't know that this would conclusively stop 9/11 for all time, but it would stop 9/11 for the time being. Without researching anything, here's what I know about 9/11 - 22 hijackers hijacked 4 planes that left from Logan Airport in Boston, Dulles Airport in D.C. and Newark airport at around 8 a.m. on the morning of Tuesday, September 11 and crashed around an hour later into a field in Pennsylvania, the Pentagon and the two towers of the World Trade Center. So what I do is use my 2001 Motorola flip phone to call those airports and make bomb threats in a vaguely middle eastern accent, explaining that I am a member of a terrorist organization and that 22 of my compatriots will be hijacking planes and planting bombs today. I make sure to include enough details to make my threat credible while also not being so specific to sound crazy - let's be honest, on Sept 10, 2001, what happened on 9/11 would have sounded crazy. I make these phone calls at around 630 AM, ensuring that the hijackers will be in the airport or very close to the airport and likely will be rounded up in the hysteria following my threat. I say that I am a disgruntled member of the group who decided to not go through with it. Now the FBI and NSA and Jack Bauer will be trying to trace my cell phone, but it's 2001 and they haven't invented crazy surveillence techniques yet.. so I'm probably good for at least a day or two. Given the fact that according to the hypothetical, I only have 12 hours, I should be able to escape FBI notice for the remainder of my stay in 2001. Besides, something tells me they'd have bigger fish to fry once they found 22 foreign nationals who have taken flight lessons and are trying to board planes with no luggage and box cutters on the same day someone has called to tell them four planes are going to be blown up. I'd probably name-drop Mohammed Atta just to make sure it sinks in. In 2001, real-life me was a Senior at Fostoria High School, doing the football thing. At this point it should be about 8 am, so I've got 4 hours and $2000 to play with. What I would try to do at this point is murder Kim Kardashian. She was 21 in 2001, and as yet to unleash her brand of inane whoredom on humanity. The murder of OJ's defense attorney's daughter wouldn't even make the news outside of LA, but it would save us from a toxic presence in the future. With any luck, I would prevent two tragedies in one morning. I think my plan would really stop 9/11 outright, and here's why: in 2001 Al Qaeda was at least marginally on the front burner. '98 Embassy bombings, 2000 USS Cole, etc. By name dropping Al Qaeda and giving a plot that would be recognized as legit once Atta and his compatriots were caught doing what I said they'd be doing (more or less), they'd be investigated and a link to Al Qaeda would be discovered. Given all the planning that went into 9/11 (flight lessons, english lessons, securing visas, buying all of the seats on these planes), at the very least my interference would set them back quite some time. They'd have to find new operatives at the very least. Hopefully the investigation would result in renewed diligence without all of the ridiculous overreaction that was a direct result of 9/11. I was prepared to argue that the emergence of Kim Kardashian has actually been more harmful for American society than 9/11 was, but I am going to back off from that position.
J.C. (Not Jesus) Who were the top five most valuable players in Tecmo Super Bowl (1991) for Nintendo? Please consider the player's overall talent, the player's ability to work within their team's system, and the potential impact on the respective team if the player were to have a season-ending injury. If narrowing it to five is too limiting, please feel free to expand the list as you deem necessary.
If you don't know (and if you don't, I feel sorry for you) Tecmo Super Bowl for the original Nintendo is one of the 3 or 4 pinnacles of all mankind. It remains a high point of video games some two decades after its original release and is beloved by 90% of men aged between 34-25. The game resembles football only tangently, but is still amazing and can still entertain large groups of grown men. So without further ado, the five most valuable players in Tecmo Super Bowl:
5. Lawrence Taylor - LT, long before he was committing statutory rape and being a ridiculous caricature, was being a ridiculous caricature by being a coked up QB killing machine on Sundays and an unstoppable force on Tecmo Super Bowl. Along with Derrick Thomas, he can block Field Goals, TACKLE punters before they punt, and dive for sacks while still able to get up and tackle a receiver 40 yards downfield. Basically, he's a knight from my college football mascot post. Ridiculousness.
4. Christian Okoye - The Nigerian Nightmare was some sort of insane video game creation where he was basically Jim Brown at his peak playing against high school kids. Players would literally bounce off of him and roll out of bounds on the OTHER sideline. So according to the physics of the game, trying and failing to tackle Okoye would result in people flying 30 yards. Is that even possible? The only sure way to tackle him is to run behind him and dive. The back of his knees are his achilles' heel.
3. Derrick Thomas - Basically LT, only (I think) slightly faster, DT could make extra points impossible to make.. which is very awesome. Faster than any offensive player or any other player on the field, it's not uncommon for DT to dive, miss and STILL make a tackle for loss. Oh, and tackling punters before they've kicked goes without saying. It's lucky that the Chiefs suck other than DT and Okoye, because they have some serious man amongst boy status going on with those two.
2. QB Eagles - So since Randall Cunningham played in the short-lived NFL rival USFL, he was not in the NFLPA at the time Tecmo Super Bowl was made, and so his likeness couldn't be licensed out by the league. Therefore, he became known as QB Eagles, a cybernetic killing machine who would result in everyone overrating Michael Vick 15 years down the road. Faster than everyone, with the ability to throw the ball 80 yards in the air, I know people who have won games 28-0 by running one offensive play for an entire quarter by just running around with QB Eagles until the quarter was basically over, and then scoring. It's too bad his team wasn't any good, bc QB Eagles was basically Robocop.
1. Bo Jackson. Sadly for Bo he split the rushing portion of the Raiders playbook with Marcus Allen, so he really only has two running plays. Even with the defense having the ability to coin clip w/in picking Bo's play every time, he's good enough that he can SCORE ON A PICKED PLAY. If you don't understand the significance of this.. get off here and go play some Tecmo Super Bowl. He's got Okoye's power with Sanders' speed and an outrageous ability to pull away from anyone on the game. He might be the best player on any sports video game ever. We had a no Raiders rule.. with good reason.
Honorable mentions: Thurman Thomas, Howie Long, Bruce Smith, Ronnie Lott, Barry Sanders
R.B. Which state likes white "athletes" more, Wisconsin or Massachusetts, discuss.
Ugh. It's not even that loving white athletes is ALL that bad (I mean, it's bad), it's just that underlying the whole thing is a vague racism and sense of exclusion that bothers me. Like, if you don't like an athlete, just don't like them, regardless of their race. But these two spots seem to be especially bad about it. Know who the most popular Packer is? The guy who gets the loudest cheer? Greg Jennings? BJ Raji? Jermichael Finley? James Starks? Nope. John freaking Kuhn. White fullback.. complete interchangable part. HE'S ONE OF US!!! CLAY MATTHEWS LOOKS LIKE THOR!!! Settle down, Wisconsinites. Don't stand up too fast or it could throw your blood pressure into a frenzy. Have you taken a look at UW sports lately? It's 2011.. they are making an active effort to be as ridiculously white as humanly possible. It's like Adolf Rupp is coaching UW Basketball.. every game vs. Michigan State or Ohio State looks like "Glory Road". It's 2011, cut it out, Badger-dom. But there is one fan base that matches the land of rubbing thighs and whole milk for enthusiasm for the caucasian athlete - Bawstun. Welker and Brady and Pedroia and Ellsbury and Papelbon and all the Bruins (who miraculously have American players?) have turned Beantown into a refuge for racist sports fans. Everyone's favorite Celtic? Brian Scalabrine - the 12th man. Big. Red. Asshole. Sounds about right. FAWKIN BEANTOWN HAS FAWKIN WELKAH AND PEDROIAH AND THEY ARE US!!!! I FAWKIN COULDA GROWN UP WITH THOSE GUYS!!!! FAWK NEW YAHHHK!! Larry Bird + Welker/Brady + Pedroia. Ugh. And the diptard known as Bill Simmons only makes it worse. I would rather stab myself in the eye than subject myself to blue collar Bahstun fandom. Here's how ridiculous Boston is: Red Sox players were revealed to have been drinking beer and eating chicken and people acted like it was the story of the century. IT'S BASEBALL!!!! Every baseball player ever is a large 17 year old Peter Pan manchild. It is the single most infantile profession of all time. We're talking about grown men who play videogames and play elementary school pranks on each other. So I'm going to make a ruling on this one. Massachusetts is worse, because they know or should know better. Wisconsin is the kind of racist where they don't know any non-white people so they are just kind of distrustful of anyone they don't know. Massachusetts is the kind of racist where they know people who aren't white... and don't want them coming near their sister. One's worse. You know which one. *****SPOILER ALERT************
IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHEED BREAKING BAD STOP READING!!! CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED
J.C. Seeing as we now know that there are only 16 episodes left of Breaking Bad, how do think the series will end? Will Walt end up in jail, six feet under, or unscathed? Will Walt's family and Jesse Pinkman survive? Seeing as Walt's hang-ups with killing/harming others seem to be less of an issue, will any of these people die at his hands? What of the baggage with Pinkman will come back into the picture (i.e. watching his girlfriend choke to death, poisoning Brock)? Fallout from murdering Gus? Please do not feel limited to my inquiries, and take this wherever you see fit.
AMC and Gilligan have said that there are 16 episodes of Breaking Bad remaining.. rumor has it that they will be split into two short seasons (ugh) so we'll get a conclusion in 2013 most likely. With that being said, Breaking Bad has shown a willingness to take the show in unforeseen an interesting directions time and time again and I'm really looking forward to the ride.. but here's my prediction. With Walt unencumbered from Gus but also relatively broke (Skyler gave all of his stash to Beneke), his ego is going to lead him to ramp up cooking again, with Hisenberg popping up bigtime. We know that Hank is obsessed with Hisenberg, and was extremely close to cracking Gus' operation at the close of last season. At the same time, Walt is going to draw the ire of the Cartel (and already has..) especially if he ramps production back up. He's also betrayed Jesse, who has shown a serious temper and willingness to follow through as well as a growing proficiency. Let's not forget that Mike is out there in the wilderness recovering from injuries sustained in Mexico. So here's how I see the series closing: Walt, using the expertise gleaned from working with Gus for so long, becomes a major player in the regional heroin scene. Hank closes in on Hisenberg and so does the cartel. Meanwhile, Mike is making plans for revenge, and reveals to Jesse some of the shady shit that Walt's been up to. The series finale involves a shoot-out between the DEA and Cartel near the warehouse or whatever Hisenberg is using, while Mike and Jesse seek out Walt for revenge. Meanwhile, Walt's cancer is back in a serious way. I think Walt's family lives, but the series closes with Walt and Walt's organization being destroyed by all these outside forces, and basically everyone other than Walt's family being killed in the resulting bloodbath. Very Scarface-esque.
Well folks, there's the mailbag II. Send questions. I'm going to start keeping a file of them and doing mailbags more often.. but shorter. I gave myself carpel-tunnel typing this beheamoth.
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