Facebook II, Son of Facebook

So the facebook post was a big hit. It makes me somewhat proud, like my parents probably felt when they realized their kids weren't complete screw ups. I thought I'd follow up that goodwill with a part 2. It's come to my attention that some important people are missing from the hall of shame that was assembled in the last post. But just in case you for some reason didn't read part I (and are, indeed, too lazy to just scroll on down there right now), here are the first standard bearers of douchebaggery: 1. The Hunny Bunny, 2. The Itinerary, 3. The Spelling Champ, 4. The Soapbox, 5. The App, 6. The Creep. These deplorable citizens of the cybercommunity all serve as reminders that just because the experience of being a person on planet earth can largely be transferred to the digital realm, the fact that 90+% of humanity is utterly obnoxious can never be removed. But that list was by no means an exhaustive one, so I've come back with a sequel. Facebook is one of those things that pretty much everyone has.. and given that everyone has it, and what people do is more or less public (which people obviously don't realize), it gives you a glimpse into how people actually ARE in a way that you wouldn't have any clue with the vast majority of casual acquaintances in actual life. There's something wonderful and soul-crushing about that. So, yeah. Thinking about all of this made me feel like Daniel Plainview and kind of had me down in the dumps.. so I let this one sit on the shelf for a while. But time has taken the edge off of the blade that is my realization that I hate almost everyone, so I've returned to the realm of the anti-social, delusional, narcissistic, vain and downright stupid to bring you part two of the most obnoxious people on Facebook.


1.) The Chronicler - This founding member of the goof troop thinks that every detail of his or her life is worthy of posting in a public forum. Very similar to "the itinerary", this one somehow manages to be even worse. Where "the itinerary" is just boring.. "the Chronicler" assumes that the everyday happenstance of their existence is worthy of documentation in a very public forum. Let's just keep this simple... it isn't. Sure, I understand that to you, this ______________ (insert vacation, job, whatever) is extremely exciting. Know what it is to everyone else? Dull, boring, narcissistic? All of the above? If you're doing something cool, by all means, throw a witty status out there or something. What we don't need is a damn play-by-play. Are you even there or are you just trying to make everyone jealous while you miss your entire trip buried in your iphone? Trust me, anyone who cares enough about your life experiences to want to get all up in there will probably just ask you the next time you see them. Casual acquaintances give less than a shit and a half. If you feel the need to share minute details of your life with people you hardly know, met while drunk, sat by Freshman year in geology, or friended because they dated your friend and you met at a wedding in 2007, your life is NO where near as awesome as you're trying to make it appear. I don't even care about what I'm eating, not really.. and believe me, no one is impressed by the details of your life. If your life is cool enough that people WOULD be impressed by it, then parading it about is just bragging. So either way, keep it to yourself.

a.) The Walter Iooss - not content to describe their life through words alone, this person feels the need to overwhelm the interwebs with album after album containing pictures of every place, meal, person, sunset and so on they've ever been, seen, met, eaten or happened across. Not that there's anything wrong with pictures in and of themselves.. that's clearly one of the purposes that facebook has in mind. But, come on now, let's be reasonable. Why are you taking 250 pictures of anything, let alone taking the time to upload all 250 pictures? I think I've taken a grand total of 45-50 pictures in my life.. and probably 19 of those were completely obscured by a finger/thumb. Granted, I may be more incompetent with a camera than most, but the point remains.. what are you doing taking so many pictures? Probably more importantly, what are you doing sharing ALL of these pictures with the world? By all means, if you've got some cool pictures, throw 'em up. Met Obama? Awesome. Post it. Saw the Eiffel tower? Sweet. Deserving of the public domain. But random meals and drinks and minutiae? I'd say a good rule to follow would be: would I want to see this if someone else posted it? If the answer is "no", don't post it. Is that so crazy? You know how boring it is when people show you stuff/tell you stories about things you don't care about? Well why are you sharing it with quasi-strangers? Granted, there's always the argument "you don't have to look at them". No, I don't, and I don't have to look at the car accident in the other lane either, but I will... and that perverse part of me can't help but be caught up in morbid curiosity at why someone would post 300 pictures in one album. Like... is there something awesome in there? Did they party with Dave Chappelle and Raekwon? Blew Joachim Phoenix? Make out with someone from the Real World? Nope. Just 743 pictures of ________ and boyfriend showing the internet how "happy" they are. Burns me every time.

2.) Super Parent - This is basically the same concept as "the chronicler". We get it, to you, your kid(s) is/are the most important thing to you. Kudos, that's how it should be. You aren't a deadbeat... congrats on that point. But do you know how little 99.95% of your facebook friends care about your little snotnoser? How many friends do you have? 300? 400? Then it's a safe bet that less than 10 people, basically no one but family and/or super good friends really cares what little Jimmy said. I'm going to let you guys in on a little secret: little kids suck. I mean, sure, they're cute, but that's an evolutionary tactic to trick adults into not neglecting them into oblivion. How would we treat an adult who acted like a 5 year old? They're selfish, loud, oblivious to social tact and custom, corny and not very smart. Now that's of no fault of their own, I fully recognize that their developing minds have not yet acquired the necessary experience, knowledge and nuance to be a fully functional member of society, but that's why no one likes someone else's kids. The relationship between parents and kids is (and should be) a deeply private one.. both because they should be cherished moments that are seminal in the creation of a fully fledged human being, and because no one else gives a shit and a half about a near stranger's child. The amount that anyone cares about random classmates'/coworkers'/party partners from last decade's kids can be measured in millimeters. Anyone who cares will ask, I assure you. In fact... there's only one thing more annoying than 24/7 running commentary of the antics of a snotnosed twerp...

a.) The Super Pet Owner - at least a child is, in fact, a human being and thus deserving of at least some attention, pets on the other hand are animals kept loyal by food and used to replicate human companionship. By my approximation, living beings on earth have two biological urges: survival and reproduction. Now for the modern American pet, they're almost all spayed/neutered, and they live with comforts that put 99.9999% of all the humans who have ever lived on planet earth's living conditions to shame, so their "survival" urges consist basically of stuffing their fatass faces. Not only are Americans fat as hell, our PETS are fat as hell. But I digress, as I said, at least children are (or will be) human beings, pets are animals. If no one cares about children, imagine how little everyone cares about dogs and cats. Now I get it. People (women) really like their pets. That's fine, you spend a lot of time around them, I understand. But seriously, why/how would you believe that anyone else gives a hell? The constant status updates, photo albums and etc. pertaining to the creature that you feed to bribe it into being affectionate are the very definition of antisocial behavior. It's just like everything else. Fine in moderation, like all things.. but just ask yourself: does anyone care? If the answer is or probably is "no", just keep it to yourself. Thanks.

3.) The running (wo)man. In the similar narcissistic vein to basically everyone else, this person assumes that their shit is worthy of publication to pretty much everyone they know. Working out/running sucks. I hate that I have to do it, and it's pretty much the most boring, masturbatory activity one can partake in. Tyler Durden said it best: "self improvement is masturbation. now self destruction?" Less than no one cares about your exercise habits. At least kids/pets/vacations are noteworthy life events. Working out? Really? Do you really think anyone cares? I don't even care about MY OWN exercise habits, let alone someone else's. This blog has previously derided the unfortunate state of affairs that has rendered human existance so meaningless that we must set arbitrary goals to meet as some measure of "achievement" and barometer of personal self-worth, but of all the reasons to set out to run an arbitrary distance, make the approval of internet acquaintances second to last, please. (last should be to put one of those "13.1" or "26.2" stickers on your Hybrid/Subaru) Most annoying of all is that Nike+ iphone app that syncs your runs.. jesus christ. "________ ran 7.2 miles in 57 minutes with Nike+ from iphone". I can't tell who this makes me want to kill more... Zuckerberg for unleashing this tidal wave of self centered delusion or the committing party for being so goddamn vain that they think a single other person on earth gives such information anything other than the most hateful of glances and the very least of concerns.

4.) The exhibitionist - This is quite possibly the single most painful type of individual on the internet. For some reason they feel that basically everyone they know (and a lot of people they don't know) need to be brought into intensely personal stuff and/or drama going on with them. You know how it goes... statuses that say things to the effect of "Kno u cant trust nobody" (of course the spelling is often atrocious, these antisocial individuals tend to fit into multiple categories) or "some people are just pieces of shit" like the appropriate place to air conflicts/fights/issues with people is on a public website. Let's talk about what facebook actually is. It's sort of like an online cafeteria for the "high school" that is attended by "everyone you know". You wouldn't scream to the whole cafeteria that your boyfriend cheated on you or that you had a big fight with your friend, right? So why are you announcing it for all to read on a website where literally everyone you've added can see it? Isn't that uncomfortable for you? Some of these cringe-worthy posts are so uncomfortable for me that they, more than anything else, lead to instant blocking or de-friending. Even worse than intense words (always horribly misspelled) are intense relationship status changes. You know how it goes. ____________ is in a relationship with _____________ turns into ____________ is in a relationship, turns into ______________ is single, turns into _____________ is in a relationship, turns into ________________ is in a relationship with ______________. Look, I understand how it goes, believe me.. people are crazy enough without emotions involved, throw in emotions? Coocoo for life. But that doesn't mean your drama needs to be embarrassingly displayed for all the world to see. This sort of public forum behavior leads me to believe that these people are either oblivious to the fact that everything you do on facebook is displayed to everyone you're connected to on facebook (and thus, very dumb), or they get a perverse pleasure from conducting extremely personal affairs in the public domain (and thus, very creepy). Either way, I'm uncomfortable, and you're blocked.

5.) The Mitch Albom. You know who Mitch Albom is. He's one of the corny assholes on "The Sports Reporters" who maligns the fact that sports aren't as magical as they were when he was 6 and watching Mickey Mantle like he's completely oblivious to the fact that as you become older and accumulate life experience and cynicism, NOTHING is a joyous or meaningful as early childhood experiences. Well, he applied this same cornball naivete to writing several extremely popular "Oprah's Book Club" type corny inspirational books. He's one of the leading cornball pseudo-spiritual secular types who are leading to the downfall of society. Well anyway, everything he writes is pervaded with a mind-numbing sentimentality and false carpe diem "inspiration". Well, the last (for today) obnoxious facebook citizen is the one responsible for putting cornball sentimental or falsely inspirational and/or pseudo-religious "spiritual" quotes in an effort to...? No one knows what the purpose of these things are. Is it to "inspire" other people? Isn't inspiration a personal thing? If it inspires you, great, throw it on a coffee mug, read it to yourself. For some reason people really like posting quotes as statuses... and I can't figure out why. Is it to get validation that a quote they like is a quote worth liking? (I hope not) Is it to "share" said quote? Didn't the original author already do that? Whatever the reason, Mitch Albom is an asshole, and so are all his little immitators, whatever and whoever their audiences may be. Keep your cornball shit out of my newsfeed.