The Most Annoying People on Facebook.

So a lot has happened since last we spoke. "Game of Thrones" premiered and was awesome, Donald Trump sold his soul for even more money as if he didn't have enough, an earthquake/tsunami combo decided it wasn't necessary for Japan to be a place where people felt comfortable anymore, Bin Laden got capped in a badass real-life version of Call of Duty: Black Ops, it apparently became the rainy version of the apocalypse where all it does is fucking rain until everyone kills each other and then themselves, etc. Another thing that happened (well, this has been happening, but I notice it more and more every day) is every single person on earth joined facebook. I can seriously think of like 5 people under 60 and over 10 who don't have it. Now with this many people wandering around the cybersphere.. where there is even less social convention than there is in real life (and that's saying something in a world where pajama pants are approved public garb), there's bound to be some obnoxious shit going on... considering I'd say roughly 60% of humanity give or take is generally obnoxious. I'm going to walk you through the worst of the worst. If Zuckerberg wasn't such a goddamn greedy dweeb he'd do well to ban these folks from ruining the fun for everyone else. Feel free to disagree.. but deep down, you know I'm probably right. So without further ado and in no particular order, here we go with the most annoying people on the most annoying thing on the planet:

1.) "The Hunny Bunny": to this noxious denizen of the interwebs it's not enough that they actually tricked someone into getting into a relationship with them, they have to overcompensate for whatever happiness may or may not actually exist by ensuring that everyone knows that they are 1/2 of the greatest fucking romantic coupling that ever came to be. You know how it goes.. cutesy exchanges back and forth on the comment section of wall posts and statuses, excessive wall posts exclaiming "love" and protestations of absence, obnoxious pictures where the comment section is a blithe back and forth. Bleh. The worst. If you've ever captioned a picture "Me and my baby!" or put up a status about how "lucky" you are (or, even worse, put up one of those emoticon <3s)... then yeah, you're on my facebook shit list. If you're in a long-distance relationship.. please recognize that facebook is not real life. A text is infinitely more personal than a facebook post.. and significantly less vain as well. If you have to post how "happy" you are on effing facebook, you aren't that happy. (Note: Wedding and/or other countdowns are the worst of the worst. Why are you posting how long until ________? Isn't that something that should be shared between you and your significant other? Are we just going to be doing everything in public view of each other in 5 years like dogs?)


2.) "The itinerary": this individual thinks an appropriate contribution to the world is just listing everything they are doing in an effort to elicit god knows what from people who care what you're eating or how work is going or that you have to drive 45 minutes to somewhere or whatever else boring nonsense you think is appropriate to share with the entire world. How needy and vain are you that you think your daily calendar is worthy of sharing with the public at large? Anyone who actually cared what you were up to would probably ask you.. otherwise, your life is just as boring as everyone else's.. deal with it. I can definitively say that I have never once cared about someone's test or lunch or appointment or any other such mundane shit. If you have ever posted: "Bed then work, ugh". Think about what you're doing.. and stop. If your day is boring to you, how do you think it is to everyone else? I'll give you a hint... extra boring. This is a trend that needs to be snuffed out RIGHT NOW. If you don't have anything worthwhile or at least moderately interesting to say... don't say it.

• 2a.) 2a is an especially annoying subspecies of "the itinerary".. and this is "the sympathy bug". This person complains about their itinerary in an effort to elicit sympathetic comments from their "friends" who for some reason don't recognize blatant desperate attention-seeking nonsense. If you are posting it on facebook.. something that was invented to waste time.. you aren't that busy. If you have more than 20 or so friends, you probably shouldn't be posting things like "3 papers and an exam to go"... because the guy who you randomly friended because you kind of met him once doesn't give two shits. No one held a gun to your head and told you to schedule paper classes, go to law school, etc. Don't complain about shit that was entirely voluntary at your part... unless you're going to at least ATTEMPT to be funny about it.


3.) "The Spelling champ". This person entirely ignores the fact that pretty much every phone and web browser automatically includes spell checking and it's usually auto-correct now and just types basically illegible nonsense in an effort to make sure the world knows how utterly ignorant they are. Is typing "see" instead of "c" really that difficult? Look at your keyboard and notice how close together "s" and "e" are.. it takes literally no effort. How lazy are you? If you've ever typed "wut" instead of "what" you should seriously ponder what in the hell went wrong in your life. Facebook is a text-based medium. Spell-check is a pretty basic computer function. If you honestly can't spell.. I question why you're using a service that requires an inordinate amount of typing to use, but it's a pretty simple computer function to address the issue. Otherwise you're just lazy.. and lazy + dumb is an awful, awful combination. I understand that broadcasting ignorance is par for the course among a decent-sized chunk of the population, but seriously... such pisspoor spelling just makes you look like a dolt. If you've ever typed something about how people are "dumb" and then gone on to mix up "there" and "their" or "your" and "you're"... I suggest you consider ending it, because I fail to see your worth to anyone. At least look into castration to spare future generations of dealing with the results of what you're up to.


4.) "The Soapbox". This person thinks that having a facebook account and access to an rss feed and the copy/paste function makes them an authority of all things under the sun. They might be the very cream of the obnoxious facebook crop. There's a reason politics was a forbidden topic in the French salons... you aren't going to convert anyone, ever. No one has ever read a Huffington Post article and said "wow, you're right" and then switched who they're voting for. If you're using the 'book for politicking purposes, take a look back through your feed. Is everything you post from either HuffPo or Fox News/Wall St Journal? If so, you're completely one-sided and everyone has tuned you out months ago. You have no credibility as a source if you're just regurgitating what's being force-fed you by people with an agenda. Politics doesn't have a "right answer", if it did, any one of the thousands of brilliant people who've attempted over the last few hundred years would have figured them out by now. We're talking about governing large groups of infinitely complex individuals. It's not like there's an equation that can optimize life for every single one of them through a democratically elected system. Both sides are extremely stupid about certain things but also have valid points.. that's why they are followed by roughly 50% of the population. Well, that and people being too afraid to think critically. Having a computer and a keyboard isn't license to pontificate on whatever hot-button issue you see fit. Think about what you're posting before you do so. If you're going to be commenting on things other people are up to, think before you jump in being obnoxious. You wouldn't run up to some dude you overheard on the street and get in their face because they said something you didn't agree with (unless you're a psycho..), so why would you act any differently just because you're on the computer? I mean, if you want to talk like you're an adult and have a productive conversation that's one thing.. but if you're just going to regurgitate talking points and generally be a pawn... seriously, kill yourself.


5.) "The App" - These people are constantly blowing up everything with this or that app they are playing and as a result are probably blocked by 85% of the people they are "friends" with. You do realize that when you click "publish" on your farm or some bullshit "quiz" or whatever, it publishes to every single person you're friends with, right? Congratulations, you're the digital equivalent of the scientologists handing out pamphlets outside of Reds games. I mean, how obnoxious are you? Participating is one thing.. but broadcasting it to every single person? And if you're dumb enough to click on one of those "Miley Cyrus nude video" or "Bin Laden death video" which then gives your computer/facebook a virus that results in you obnoxiously posting on everyone's wall with that same post.. look into taking a warm bath and opening a vein or three. Did you just learn about the internet and the various scams that are abounding on there? Do you often take "Nigerian princes" up on their offers of vast wealth? If so, just stay clear of a computer... you clearly can't handle the responsibility.


6.) "The Creep" - this dude makes me squeamish. He's up to stuff like "liking" pictures of girls in bikinis or (even worse) "commenting" things like "damn girl". Maybe the worst move of all is "liking" when someone is single. Yikes. Way to ruin it for everyone else that just enjoys being creepy in silence, dude. Facebook is a creepy thing, inherently, but when you're just up in everyone's face about the aggressiveness of your particular brand of creep you're doing nothing but branding yourself as a possible date-rape suspect and making everyone uncomfortable. This particular individual completely ignores the fact that online interactions are in fact interactions with living, breathing humans. Treating actual girls like you're at a strip club? Um, yeah. I wish Ed Hardy and "affliction" tshirts secretly contained sarin gas that would be simultaneously released at a UFC fight or swim up bar party or something similar and do some serious and much needed cleansing of our gene pool.


So seriously, Zuckerberg, I know your invention was pretty cool and all and you got a cool movie made about it that made you look like kind of a twitchy spastic badass, but can we get some basic social restrictions in place? Folks are out of control and what not. I don't think that's too much to ask. And if you, loyal reader, find yourself posting questionable shit on the 'book.. just follow these simple instructions... think before you post.