oh my god, jon and kate broke up! wait... who gives a shit, and why? people get divorced every fucking day, for a lot less legitimate reasons than "have you seen my show? my wife treats me like a damn idiot in front of millions of people, completely emasculating me for a prime time audience, and now that i'm famous i have women throwing themselves at me, at least some of whom probably make me feel like a man and not a damn lap dog", which seems to be the basic reason behind the "we're only famous because we used warlock science to have an unnatural litter of children in defiance of the will of both god and nature" divorce. let's not even mention the fact that most of these people aren't using their unnatural litter of children as a meal ticket. using your children to get rich. hm, that seems like something we should all be getting behind. - which brings me to my next two points. first, when are we as a society going to do something about this ridiculous warlock fertility science being used to "help" people who can't have kids. are we really thinking long and hard about this? is that a good purpose for science? if you can't have kids, maybe there's a reason for that. let me tell you one thing, i guaran-fucking-tee that cavemen didn't have sextuplets or whatever the hell a litter of children is called. why? because it's NOT NATURAL. (kind of like veganism and a host of other "lifestyles" that are en vogue today... but that's a post for another day) fertility science should be used to help you have ONE child, max. not implant 80000 fucking embryos because we're all impatient, spoiled and ridiculous and see what happens when 15 of those bastards take. it's called childbirth, not childrenbirth. people aren't spaniels.
but honestly, that's just par for the course on the freakshow formerly known as "TLC". TLC stands for "the learning channel"... what are we learning exactly? the same shit people used to learn when they paid a nickel to see a bearded woman, strongman, contortionist and a dwarf? let's not pretend these "shows" ("the mermaid girl", "the one ton man", "little person ______", "the tree man", et al) are for any reason than to appeal to our bizarre curiosity of the different and the grotesque. it's pathetic and embarrassing really. does anyone really think these kids are going to grow up normal? name one kid who grew up on camera and is normal? michael jackson? danny bonaduce? todd bridges? edward furlong? drew barrymore? i mean, let's be honest... youth and celebrity don't exactly tend to create healthy, well-rounded and productive members of society. it's sad really.
ok, onto a more fun and less bitchy topic. james cameron. i know, i know, i already blew him all over my top 100 list, but have you ever really looked at his career and the impact he had on science fiction and action films? the guy was/is a damn god, and its a travesty that he hasn't released a feature film since titanic... but honestly, once you've made the biggest film ever, you can't exactly go back to action, so i can't say i blame him. lets take a look at the period from 1984-1997, one of the more remarkable runs by any filmmaker ever, where he completely created several genres and made some of the more memorable films of the last 25 years. first, Terminator, in 1984. what more can i say? this film spawned one of the most memorable franchises in movie history and gave one of hollywood's biggest stars his most iconic role. next, Aliens in 1987. Aliens is truly, truly ridiculously badass and awesome. Watch Aliens sometime and you'll realize how much of sci-fi is directly lifted from it, and the technology, terminology and ideas involved. (the plot and design of "Halo" is directly and unashamedly lifted DIRECTLY from Aliens, with no regard whatsoever for whether or not anyone knows it). it truly changed sci-fi and fictional military stories, forever. next, the Abyss, in 1989. the Abyss is more of a miss than the rest of cameron's films from this period, but its remarkable for its scope, its ambition and what its trying to say, and after watching "the abyss", you definitely see why Cameron got so into the Titanic and exploring the deep with ballard. the abyss is about aliens who live not in space, but miles beneath the earth's oceans - and you really feel the desolation and danger of the deep. a beautiful film. next comes terminator 2, 1992. probably the greatest action movie of all time... a true classic. what more can i say about it? next is true lies, 1994, and one of the more fun action movies of all time. i love how true lies is all tongue in cheek, and still is 10X better than basically every action movie of the same type ever made. completely awesome. then in 1997 comes Titanic. the biggest movie of all time. what more needs to be said? so basically what i'm saying is that it should be a damn law that cameron needs to make a film at least every 3 years. he's only 55, and hasn't made a film since 1997. that's ridiculous. on that note.. avatar is going to blow everyone away, and i mean it.
ok. now vampires, vampire sex, vampire lusting, vampire ridiculousness, etc. why the big fucking fuss and romanticism about vampires? why do people double click their mouses to twilight and true blood? why not blade and underworld? oh my god, he's so dreamy, he kills people and is super-strong. what the fuck? so i started watching true blood b/c someone told me it was good (it isn't. at all) and just kept watching it, b/c i want to know what happens damn it, and i'm just generally weirded out by the whole thing. true blood is like cinemax with blood. it's fucking creepy. in the first episode of the season, "sookie" (anna paquin) and "bill" (creepy pale guy) are hardcore banging, and anna paquin's character gives bill her neck, he bites it, and then kisses her while his mouth is full of her blood. what the fuck? why would anyone do that? particularly someone who claims to be a "good girl" like anna paquin's character. it makes no sense, whatsoever, either in the context of the show, the context of real life, or the context of someone who has a brain. i mean, i understand, people like some kinky shit, but kissing a guy who just fed on your jugular? hm. that seems odd, to say the least. i get that it's taboo and that's part of the vampire appeal, but i don't see a show about people giving out golden showers getting rave reviews. someone explain the vampire shit to me, please. seriously, i'm begging you. anyway, i give "true blood" two thumbs down, for being hokey, stupid, inane, full of bad acting, horrible accents, nigh porn, creepy gore connected with sex (um, that's serial killer shit right there) and attempting to be pertinent by having outright social commentary, but failing miserably by slapping you in the face with it instead of letting its stories speak for itself. oh, not to mention - what the fuck is the big deal about "synthetic blood" enabling vampires to "mainstream"? couldn't they just strike up a bargain with the red cross? if they can drink fake blood out of a bottle they can drink real blood out of a bag. i just can't wrap my mind around this shit. don't think too hard about true blood, it will make your mind hurt. so let me get this straight, crosses, holy water and garlic don't hurt vampires, but silver, daylight and wooden stakes do? you don't get to pick and choose. if you hitch your wagon to a legend, you take it wholesale, not part and parcel. fuck you true blood, give me my 14 hours back, and stop creeping me out. the only character i like is Lafayette... bring back the wire and cancel this shitfest HBO.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
nerd hypocrisy, annoyances.
before we get going, i just had an observation about something that's going on with my life. i get annoyed by things. i mean, really, really annoyed by things. like, annoyed to the point that if i didn't have people to rant to about it i might go postal because i'm utterly out of my wits regarding the general idiocy of people and the nonsense they're up to. i have ridiculous bouts of road rage, and don't even want to know what kind of old man i'm going to be. i'm pretty damn grouchy already, let alone when i'm 70, all 70 year olds are grumpy.. what are 70 year olds like when they were grouchy as hell at age 25? anyway, the point of this rant was that there's this character i see at the rec literally every time i go, and he is fucking infuriating. i literally have to try my hardest not to strangle him. does this happen to anyone else or is this unique to me? he's this smallish (probably 5'8 or so) persian looking fellow who somehow is there literally EVERY SINGLE time i'm there, he wears a white polo with the collar popped (he must have 15 of them) and doesn't do anything but walk around aimlessly. i just look at his stupid face with incredulity.. utterly astounded at whatever the hell he's up to. i mean honestly, a white polo at the gym, with the collar popped. i just want to grab him and find out what the hell he's up to. and maybe hold him under water for 5 minutes or so, just until he stops thrashing.
first... one general complaint about the world and the way it is. true or false, when you are sitting inside of your car, you are required by law to be wearing a seatbelt? (true) True or false, your car weighs between 1,200 and 2,000 pounds? (unless you're an SUV/pickup driving asshole, also true) True or false, riding a motorcycle offers significantly less protection than does riding inside of a car? So ok. with these basic facts laid down, why in the name of everything holy are you allowed to ride motorcycles without helmets if i have to wear a seatbelt under threat of ticket? i drove from the 419 to the 513 today, spending significant time on I-75, and was (once again) blown away by the ridiculousness of the current state of affairs. if the justification for requiring seatbelts is safety, then how in the hell are you allowed to ride a motorcycle period, let alone without a helmet? it makes no fucking sense. unless you're wearing iron man's suit, if you get into a wreck on a motorcycle, you're getting fucked up (ask roethlisberger), but you are nevertheless still permitted to do it. meanwhile, i can't run an errand down the street without worrying about whether or not i'm going to get ticketed by johnny law, despite the fact that i'm sitting inside of a 1200 pound metal beast and haven't been involved in a wreck in a decade. what the fuck? if that situation makes sense to you, contact mr. bernard madoff regarding some incredibly valuable commodities.
now. onto the subject of nerd hypocrisy. those nerds are a fickle bunch, they really are, and there's really no predicting what they're going to love and what they're going to hate. lets take two films that came out this summer, both nerd-centric in aim and scope. i'm talking about star trek and terminator: salvation. both solid films.. is star trek better? absolutely, but it's not out of this world better or anything. as i've said before, i give terminator a 7.9 and star trek an 8.8. read the reviews online... everyone's acting like star trek is the essence of christ himself devoted to celluloid, and that terminator is the largest pile of shit since gigli. why is this you ask? well. several reasons. first, the dude who directed terminator is named McG. yes, you read that right. his name is joe mcginty nichol, and he goes by mcg. like mclovin, only not as cool. clown? absolutely, but is that REALLY a reason to hate somebody and just rip everything they do to shit without even going in with an open mind? i mean, the guy who we elected president's name is Barack Obama. if that's not fucking clown by mid-american standards, i don't know what is. coupled with this McG hatred is christian bale backlash. once the nerd god who could do no wrong, the dark knight has been showing a few chinks in his armor as of late. first with the mom/sister assault thing, then the infamous "are you professional or not?!" outburst of the spring. it's too the point where i've actually heard people rip his performance of bruce wayne/batman (particularly the "batman voice", completely ignoring the fact that he just stole that from Michael Keaton). you don't believe me that terminator is actually decent? just look at the worldwide box office. terminator has made twice as much money overseas as it has domestically. think about it, in europe they actually like people with weird names like mcg. that should tell you that the movie is actually pretty damn good. so while terminator is experiencing a perfect nerd storm of sorts destined to cause a nerd backlash, star trek is directed by the new nerd wunderkid of the moment, jj "i had a bad acid trip and helped think up lost" abrams. like i said before, star trek IS better than terminator, it's just not 10X better. and i'm ok with nerds ripping it, i'm just not ok with HOW they're ripping it. nerds go find criticisms that are present in every fucking work of fiction and run wild with them when they want to deadpan something. look, we're talking about a movie that's set in 2018, when robots have wiped out most of humanity and north america is a post-apocalyptic nuclear wasteland. sorry if everything doesn't make perfect logical sense. let's talk about some widely beloved movies and some plotholes. the dark knight and star trek. first, in the dark knight.. how in the fuck does the joker accomplish his ridiculously intricate criminal conspiracy? apparently all he ever did personally was look menacing and carry around a potato peeler, putting smiles on faces and such. but we're somehow supposed to believe this whackjob is single-handedly bringing gotham to its knees? how about some exposition there chris? next, star trek. lets talk about the ridiculous shit that happens in star trek. first, people re-enter vulcan's atmosphere wearing only space-suits. did you hear about what happened to the space shuttle a few years back when it was missing some tiles? you can't just fly any old device into a planet's atmosphere... it will burn the fuck up. you'd have to be using some sort of heat shield, a cone or something if you will. second... ships fly through BLACK HOLES multiple times in the film. maybe jj or someone should have read a physics book. black holes destroy matter at the atomic level, even light cannot escape, but somehow eric bana's ship is just chilling amongst an open singularity and he's BROADCASTING OUT of it? and the enterprise manages to escape when glass is cracking and shit? if fanboys think that's ok, but the fact that there was a plothole or two in terminator, maybe they should have watched nova in their youth. i'm not even going to address the shit about time travel, the fact that that shit is ridiculous isn't even worth mentioning.
- Now, don't get me wrong, i enjoy all of these films, my point is simply that EVERY film set in the future or involving super heroes (batman is realistic? really? let me tell you what would happen if batman really existed - he'd get shot 35 times with an AK on the third night he was out and fucking die. no ninja can dodge bullets) is going to have ridiculous plot holes that strain credibility because THAT SHIT ISN'T REAL. so to rip one work to hell while giving another one a free pass is just absurd. how do you look yourself in the mirror fanboys? shame on you.
first... one general complaint about the world and the way it is. true or false, when you are sitting inside of your car, you are required by law to be wearing a seatbelt? (true) True or false, your car weighs between 1,200 and 2,000 pounds? (unless you're an SUV/pickup driving asshole, also true) True or false, riding a motorcycle offers significantly less protection than does riding inside of a car? So ok. with these basic facts laid down, why in the name of everything holy are you allowed to ride motorcycles without helmets if i have to wear a seatbelt under threat of ticket? i drove from the 419 to the 513 today, spending significant time on I-75, and was (once again) blown away by the ridiculousness of the current state of affairs. if the justification for requiring seatbelts is safety, then how in the hell are you allowed to ride a motorcycle period, let alone without a helmet? it makes no fucking sense. unless you're wearing iron man's suit, if you get into a wreck on a motorcycle, you're getting fucked up (ask roethlisberger), but you are nevertheless still permitted to do it. meanwhile, i can't run an errand down the street without worrying about whether or not i'm going to get ticketed by johnny law, despite the fact that i'm sitting inside of a 1200 pound metal beast and haven't been involved in a wreck in a decade. what the fuck? if that situation makes sense to you, contact mr. bernard madoff regarding some incredibly valuable commodities.
now. onto the subject of nerd hypocrisy. those nerds are a fickle bunch, they really are, and there's really no predicting what they're going to love and what they're going to hate. lets take two films that came out this summer, both nerd-centric in aim and scope. i'm talking about star trek and terminator: salvation. both solid films.. is star trek better? absolutely, but it's not out of this world better or anything. as i've said before, i give terminator a 7.9 and star trek an 8.8. read the reviews online... everyone's acting like star trek is the essence of christ himself devoted to celluloid, and that terminator is the largest pile of shit since gigli. why is this you ask? well. several reasons. first, the dude who directed terminator is named McG. yes, you read that right. his name is joe mcginty nichol, and he goes by mcg. like mclovin, only not as cool. clown? absolutely, but is that REALLY a reason to hate somebody and just rip everything they do to shit without even going in with an open mind? i mean, the guy who we elected president's name is Barack Obama. if that's not fucking clown by mid-american standards, i don't know what is. coupled with this McG hatred is christian bale backlash. once the nerd god who could do no wrong, the dark knight has been showing a few chinks in his armor as of late. first with the mom/sister assault thing, then the infamous "are you professional or not?!" outburst of the spring. it's too the point where i've actually heard people rip his performance of bruce wayne/batman (particularly the "batman voice", completely ignoring the fact that he just stole that from Michael Keaton). you don't believe me that terminator is actually decent? just look at the worldwide box office. terminator has made twice as much money overseas as it has domestically. think about it, in europe they actually like people with weird names like mcg. that should tell you that the movie is actually pretty damn good. so while terminator is experiencing a perfect nerd storm of sorts destined to cause a nerd backlash, star trek is directed by the new nerd wunderkid of the moment, jj "i had a bad acid trip and helped think up lost" abrams. like i said before, star trek IS better than terminator, it's just not 10X better. and i'm ok with nerds ripping it, i'm just not ok with HOW they're ripping it. nerds go find criticisms that are present in every fucking work of fiction and run wild with them when they want to deadpan something. look, we're talking about a movie that's set in 2018, when robots have wiped out most of humanity and north america is a post-apocalyptic nuclear wasteland. sorry if everything doesn't make perfect logical sense. let's talk about some widely beloved movies and some plotholes. the dark knight and star trek. first, in the dark knight.. how in the fuck does the joker accomplish his ridiculously intricate criminal conspiracy? apparently all he ever did personally was look menacing and carry around a potato peeler, putting smiles on faces and such. but we're somehow supposed to believe this whackjob is single-handedly bringing gotham to its knees? how about some exposition there chris? next, star trek. lets talk about the ridiculous shit that happens in star trek. first, people re-enter vulcan's atmosphere wearing only space-suits. did you hear about what happened to the space shuttle a few years back when it was missing some tiles? you can't just fly any old device into a planet's atmosphere... it will burn the fuck up. you'd have to be using some sort of heat shield, a cone or something if you will. second... ships fly through BLACK HOLES multiple times in the film. maybe jj or someone should have read a physics book. black holes destroy matter at the atomic level, even light cannot escape, but somehow eric bana's ship is just chilling amongst an open singularity and he's BROADCASTING OUT of it? and the enterprise manages to escape when glass is cracking and shit? if fanboys think that's ok, but the fact that there was a plothole or two in terminator, maybe they should have watched nova in their youth. i'm not even going to address the shit about time travel, the fact that that shit is ridiculous isn't even worth mentioning.
- Now, don't get me wrong, i enjoy all of these films, my point is simply that EVERY film set in the future or involving super heroes (batman is realistic? really? let me tell you what would happen if batman really existed - he'd get shot 35 times with an AK on the third night he was out and fucking die. no ninja can dodge bullets) is going to have ridiculous plot holes that strain credibility because THAT SHIT ISN'T REAL. so to rip one work to hell while giving another one a free pass is just absurd. how do you look yourself in the mirror fanboys? shame on you.
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